At the Front

(Email reply to offended potential customer explaining the background on the rants)
SSG,
Why the rants? Sorry if you're offended. Your prose was such that I seriously doubt you are one of the intended targets. It actually has a purpose, but not to offend everyone or fluff my ego.
We WERE nicer for years. But eventually we came to spending about 70% of our phone time with meatheads who wanted to shoot the shit, were lonely, wanted some "army stuff", or wanted to babble for hours about their uncle Bud who was building a Panther Ausf. G from beer cans. The latest imbecile (Monday) was upset because he put his helmet in the microwave to bake the paint...and bad things happened. I'm not making this up. (That's one reason we don't give directions on painting helmets. Misinterpretations and fires...it sounds like a joke, but it's not.)
The terse language has reduced the idiot phone calls (and by extension increased our efficiency of filling orders) by a large percentage. Our job is to provide the best stuff possible as efficiently as possible. It would be nice if we had time to be a comfort line for the lonely, a historical reference and restoration info hotline and a depressed re-enactor counseling center.
The evil verbage started off as a bit of a joke a couple of years ago about some isolated incident that ticked me off, and we got a deluge of compIiments from people who agreed with the tirade. Now it's a fixture. I have always tried to be as informative as possible about specific items. I used to be polite when I stated, for example, "we do not sell paint". 5 times a day, some twit would call up, tell us he'd read it, but thought we should send him some anyway. He'd spend hours trying to pry some paint out of us. Or the khaki hounds who ask "what color khaki is it?" 20-30 times in a single conversation. (We'll send you swatches for free...)
I got snippy on the site, and it mostly stopped.
I know some people get huffy, and I scare a few off (especially new ones), but on the balance it's been worth it. I do try to balance the obnoxiousness, but sometimes it's difficult. We are busier than we have ever been and we are having trouble keeping stuff in stock, not selling it.
In a way, yes, we are doing customers in this hobby a favor; we don't lie, we don't steal your money, we make the best junk we possibly can, refunds are issued within 48 hours and we usually ship it within 24 hours. If you're new to this market, a large percentage of other companies and dealers violate any one or all of those "favors" routinely. I never thought of it that way, but that's probably right. Basically, we don't BS people and we ask the same in return.
I was raised badly I suppose...public schools...the Army didn't teach me to be nice....it's little wonder. I never took a course in customer service...and I've always known that no one is always right, not even the customer. My patience for simple ignorance is enormous. For those who refuse to listen, or who try to play us for stupid....I have none. By nature, dealing with people who want to dress up like a Panzer commander and cover themselves in medals from a war long over (and lost) and run around the house brings out some real jewels....it has worn me out after 10 years. I did nearly quit this in 2000 and go back in the Army (the real one)...but didn't. Now I've got 14 employees and cannot...so I'm stuck with this. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Anyway, that's my best explanation.
Depending on what you are looking for, these guys have the best reputations, for good stuff and straight business practices. Only the first one can be as rude as me. Our links page has contact info for each:

What Price Glory
Bill Bureau (nicest guy on the planet, ex 82nd)(German uniforms and gear)
Josh Murray (US helmets)

Likewise, try the green devils consumer guide page if you're new to this. It has links to over 100 vendors and the ratings are pretty much brutally honest. A lot of dealers in this will screw you in a minute. (But most of THEIR websites sound nice!) Here's the link:
http://www.greendevils.com/greendevils/Consumer/vendor_review.asp?varACTION=VIEW

Dearest Camo-tards,
About my "supposedly" original uniforms and samples, you geniuses found me out. Can't get nothing by you window lickers....
I admit it, I made it all up. I really copied a Hong Kong Harry outfit made from polyester houndstooth and we copied the colors from Heinz the Panzer Pilot (Dragon doll #88). Then I took some pics and photoshopped the f--k out of them and now I'm pimping it as original on the website.
News Flash: Just because you struggle to put your underwear on right side-out does not mean everyone else is equally challenged.

As for those claiming and hoping that this dot will soon be available for half price from All Angles Antiques (in other words, I'm lying about us developing it), keep dreaming. Now, I know it's just a "distraction" on my part, but for some reason I feel inclined to post pictures of our stuff next to original, bona fide, they-where-there-in-the-real war samples. Bleating about how our stuff compares to Spearhead, Sturm or Pirschen dot uniforms is a waste of time- if we put those treasures next to the real thing, you'll see how bad they really are and you'd cry. For $49 they may be a deal, but they don't look real by any means. Of course, we already know, if it's cheap enough, authenticity becomes an afterthought. We did have 12,000 sets of 44 dot BDU's for $19.99 but they sold out so fast I never got a chance to list them on the website...sorry.

As for our 44 dot colors- I did not send my original tunic to copy. I used original cloth samples. Therefore, our colors match the cutting, not the original uniform. Dot comes in a wide range of shades (see pic for proof) and our colors are totally within the bounds (see other pics for more proof). Just in case you are unaware of current 44 dot prices, at the MAX show last month, the asking price for mint condition 44 dot uniforms was $5-7,000...each piece. Meaning, $10-14,000 for a jacket and trouser set. Understand why I was so happy to find the cuttings? And, by the way, please know that words cannot possibly express my intense pain and burning remorse that our colors don't match those on Franz the gay action doll's 44 dot parka. I really feel terrible about that...

Anal types will still be able to detect a bit of color difference in the comparisons between our stuff and the real thing. It's about a 95% match, which is pretty good since the printer only promised 85% on the first run. Also, the original cloth is rougher due to the poor yarn quality and the various "fillers" and recycled fibers used late in the war which also alters the appearance a bit. Last but not least, the screen printing done in the SS "work facilities" wasn't the best quality- so misses and poor printing is common- thus the base color of the fabric often shows through- kind of like painting a wall without enough paint on the brush. That's why the dark green (almost black) color looks lighter- a bad print.

FYI, our uniforms do look "older" after a couple of hand washings- they soften a bit and develop that "spitball" look of original drillich fabric.

As for the other dot out there. Not that you'll believe a lying fink like me, but I have seen and fondled most of the other dot reproductions. The only one in the same league as ours is Janke. But it costs about $500. SM would be in the running as well, but his material streaks badly as soon as you wash it, his tunic pattern is that of a Heer Reed Green jacket and most of the uniforms don't fit properly. Stevie and I talk several times per week and he knows I rag on them and why. There are also some nameless eastern European creations, but they are sold as originals, never as repros so they're hard to qualify. Lastly, I have not seen the "Panther" repros in person, but they do look good in photos. (Panther is a Czech company and their dot costs about the same as ours, not $49. I didn't mean to get you all excited.)
Otherwise, none of the other 44 dot uniforms compare worth a crap to originals. Period.

So, my reply to the numbnuts who think I'm comparing our stuff to God-knows-what repro, here's my answer. Go back to the where the action is and stick to sucking on your damned dolls.

The state of this country's education system continues to decline. The dumbing down of our society has affected even our website. For years, I have posted estimated arrival times for new items and restocks. We always had the occasional meathead or little Freddie ants-in-his-pants who thought we were holding out, but lately this has gotten ridiculous. I post "Late September" and on the 1st, we are deluged with panic stricken calls demanding overnite shipping on 44 dot uniforms. When we explain the meaning of "late", we are informed that we are deceptive scoundrels who should be prosecuted for false advertising. It seems that "estimated" has 5 too many letters in it for the special folks to comprehend.

So, in an effort to protect ourselves from litigation, I'm now pulling random dates out of my ass and slapping them on the availability charts. And you strokers thought I was screwing with your heads before.

For you window-lickers, remember this:

1. The estimates were as accurate as I could make them. There are many factors involved in making or having these wonderful things made and I don't have a crystal ball. But no more. Now I'm going to rattle your cages intentionally over all this.

2. If I were as dishonest as you goat-ropers claim, then I'd be collecting deposits for the incoming items. Any moron knows that.

3. For those of you who are really pissed that I don't take paid reservations, I can name half a dozen vendors who will accept them and then keep your money for weeks, months or even years as their arrival dates change.

4. If my candor about all of this makes your weenie shrivel with rage, please know how my heart bleeds with the most indescribable pity...the pain it gives me is beyond words.

5. We now have an automated database which flags the retards who threaten us over these estimated dates. Whenever you call, those on the watch list will be told that said item is not yet in stock, even if it actually is. We will then sell them to everyone but you, and once they are all gone, say "oops". So, pat yourselves on the back for ruining the 44 dot clock. And all the others.

I'm so glad I no longer handle orders directly. Then again, I don't get to enjoy the fun in person anymore. I just hear Gina scream or when I see that smirk on Nick's face I know what's happened. We've had another "interesting" call or email. Occasionally we use less flattering adjectives to describe these events, but "interesting" kind of covers them all in a politically correct sort of way...
Now, don't get me wrong, most queries we receive are pretty reasonable or at least borderline rational. A few are a bit odd, but you can see why they might have connected the dots in the way they did. But then, there are those that simply stand out from the crowd and others that defy imagination. Like wtf are you smoking..?
Here's some zingers of late.

1. I bought a tunic from a vendor in Europe. I need you to send me a note, on your company letter head, explaining how this uniform is unauthentic so I can get my money back from the credit card company. And keep it too??? Ballsy.

2. I can wear a 10, 11, 12 or a 13 shoe depending on the maker. Not a 14? Too bad, that's all we have in stock.

3. I placed an order and never received it. You ordered an item we do not have and moreover, one which we do not have listed anywhere on our website.
Oh, I figured you probably had one around there somewhere or would find me one if I ordered it. Yes, that is how it works.

4. I ordered size 44 pants. The ones you sent me measure 46. They're too big. Congrats- you're not as fat as you thought! Too bad these shrink when you wash them.

5. I'd like you to make me a jump uniform, but I want you to use padded material so I don't get hurt when I go on my first jump. Would you like the bubble wrap on the inside or the outside? Clear or khaki?

6. I need enough Oak A camo fabric to make two sheets. Blurred edge hides spunk stains better.

7. I read on the forum that your daisey duke hats are thinner than Juan's. Will they hold up? We don't copy repros. Ours are the same as WWII cloth. OMG! His are too thick??? I've gotta tell the forum asap!!!

8. Fieldgearfan69 says that your Y-straps have the wrong number of stitches on the backstrap. He recommends brand x. But they are out of stock. What do you have to say for yourself? Brand X's are made from the wrong leather- it's chrome tanned. Tell Fingerfan I said he's a genius who should write forum articles.

9. I need an extra-large M-1 helmet. The one you sent me is a small. Sorry, that's all we have left. Maybe you can find some way to make it adjustable.

10. Snuffy's Militaria says that he paid you for my uniform 6 months ago but you just won't send it to him. I want my stuff! If you'd ordered it from us you'd likely have had it in 3 days. Tell Snuffy he needs to pay us for it first- sounds like he's spent your money on more important things. Be careful when other vendors claim that they get get our stuff for you at a great price. The funny thing about this case was that the item in question we hadn't had in 3+ years.

11. Can ya tell me what all stuff ya'll have? Army stuff. This is still the best one.

As a few people have noticed, the sizes at the large end of spectrum are disappearing from the availability charts. The sizes concerned are 3X and 4X coat/jacket, size 22 neck shirts and 46, 48 and 50 waist trousers. Why?

There are several factors when dealing with the "Hungry-man" sizes which have led us to this decision. Firstly, we do not sell enough of them. I only order a handful of them anyway, no more than a dozen of each size. Yet, when we come to the end of a batch, most of them are still there. The only time these sizes do sell is when we put them on sale. Quite often, even when they are 50-70% off, the customers still huff that they aren't sure whether they want to pay $50 for size 50 paratrooper pants. Yes sir, those sure are mighty easy to find...In reality, we should charge 50-100% more for the damned things. They require double the amount of materials, and triple the amount of pattern making time since the sizing grades skew oddly when you go that big. Sizes in this range really require custom tailoring and fitting which makes trying to make stock sizes that fit properly almost impossible. Although this is 95% a business decision, there is that other 800 pound gorilla in the room. Namely, how realistic is an 800 pound paratrooper? The most negative reactions from the public and especially veterans regard the 4X airborne troopers and pizzagrenadiers. Many vets we've talked to were not nearly as diplomatic as I'm being here. A few of you will go apeshit on me for stating this, but you ALL know it to be true. It's simply rarely said. I'll go first.
For those customers who need industrial sizes, there are a few other options. The most obvious I need not go into- it'll save you money and maybe even your life. Barring that, WPG usually carries a range of huge sizes in US uniforms. Lost Battalions will do custom German uniforms. And SM Wholesale will do both US & German- his reputation has been erratic but he seems to have improved alot in the last couple of years.
So, that's why the "Bigguns" are disappearing from our pages. They won't be back. Which means the restock date is "never".

Over the years, you have repeatedly advised me and urged me to take advantage of the untapped market for various models of men's undergarments. First it was Japanese paratrooper panties, then Gebirgsjager mesh-boxers and now it's Swiss Army bvd's. I really appreciate your fixation and apparent excitement over scrotum covers. Yes, Gina has indeed passed on all of your messages concerning said product opportunities, but I must inform you that I will never be interested in delving into the this arena of menswear. I am a deeply committed to the Lord and thus have very personal religious reasons for refusing to deal in men's lingerie. I recommend that you contact another vendor who may be more market savvy and who will be willing to make you a pair.
Thanks.

Damn I'm sick of all these reality shows trumpeting the triumphs of the obesity clinics- the last one with that poor kid in Texas who can only waddle to the bathroom and back to his bed. All of these morbidly obese people have one thing in common- enablers. This is always brushed over. When you're too fat to get out of bed, then somebody else is bringing you the vittles to maintian your girlish figure. More often than not, it's momma. Well, momma should be locked up for killing her kid. End of story.

It's one thing to pork yourself out. Adults have the right to live on pizza, Big Macs, ice cream and doritos, smoke cigarettes and end their lives prematurely. But this business of 300 pound 8th graders and half-ton teens is bullshit. They don't get with diabetes and arteriosclerosis from toilet seats or viruses. It's their worthless ass parents who feed them crap. Porking out your kid with Little Debbies is no different from beating them, locking them in a hot car, or giving them methamphetamine. It makes their lives miserable- physically and psychologically- and ultimately kills them. Munchausen syndrome- with munchies instead of mercury.

I think the solution is disturbingly simple. Charge the parents with child abuse and assault, throw them in the slammer for a night or two...then, as a condition of their probation, require nutrition classes. It'd be a bit like the way one handles parents who don't pay child support. Pork out your poor kid, you gotta pay the price.

I know this will cause some squalling and accusations of discrimination, but get over it. Obesity is a matter of bad choices, not genetics, "bad glands", nasty little stress hormones or any other alien forces. Taking in more calories than you use is the only cause.

Don't bother caterwauling to me that your kid has a medical excuse to be too fat to fit in an F350. More than likely, their health problems are a result of (rather than the cause) their girth. Yes, a minute percentage of humans have genuine medical conditions- but addiction drivethrus and eating till you pop don't count. 99% of obesity is self-inflicted. But kids don't usually do the grocery shopping, cook breakfast or buy dinner. Teaching your kids basic health is one of the responsibilities you accept when you decide to start bumping uglies without rubbers.

People in general are prone to blaming anyone but themselves for what ails them. That's why this whole hogging epidemic sends me into orbit. The cause as well as the solution is right there looking at you. In the mirror.
Anybody want an ice cream...?

Once again, the forums and chat circles are churning rumors faster than a gaggle of old biddies at a Baptist bingo parlor. The current mongering started as a result of a random vendor on Ebay who claimed to be using some of our fabric to make custom uniforms. That was a bit difficult since only 180 meters of our fabric existed and it was all in our warehouse. (I contacted him and it turned out that he was "mistaken".)
Now the forum professors are speculating that our dot has "gotten out" and it is the same thing being sold by the Hong Kong Willie and the bargain basement vendors for $79. One genius insists our stuff looks suspiciously like what one of those guys is showing on his site. Look again. You're blind. The cheap stuff in question looks even more "suspiciously" like the Pirschen/ ANTZ's stuff. Sorry to disappoint, but you are all smoking crack.

Why am I so sure? (Conspiracy theorists want to know...) Although the fabric itself has existed for almost 2 years - no camo was printed on it until January. And then only a test run was done. ("Test" meaning I paid for a sample run to be sure the colors were right. There were only 90 meters of each shade.) And we have not sold one scrap of it to anyone else. The only uniforms that exist up to today, made from our fabric, were those produced in our shop from that 180 meters of test fabric. Lastly, we made 2 shades of dot- and we co-mingle them on all uniforms. If it's all one shade, it ain't ours.

Unless another vendor is capable of pre-paying for 1,000 sets of these uniforms, the manufacturer isn't going to talk to them. Several smaller vendors have occasional delusions of grandeur and a tendency to make minor exaggerations as to the size and scope of their operations. If anyone claims to be getting or to have "our" uniforms they are lying or confused. Period.

And yes, "we already know the deal with the FJ boots". There was no "deal". We both use the same manufacturer and Mr. Sturm saw my originals in the guy's office and said "gimme some". But Sturm's boots and ours are slightly different- ours do not come from Sturm. I have heard that one vendor is claiming otherwise- if that's so, why don't our boots have Sturm tags in them (or stitch holes where I removed them) and how is it that I'm the one with the original boots they were copied from for comparison- and he does not? Anyway, if you think I'm lying, go f--k yourself.

With regard to 44 dot, Sturm already has his own. He knows our manufacturer, and they told us that he liked it, asked about it, then declined when they told him the price. It's 3 times as expensive as what he pays for his. He is in the wholesale business and low price is king for him. So, sorry, the other guys won't have it. If they did, it would be as much or more than ours- since I would be paying what Sturm pays- not what he charges.

For those who are getting pissed off with the delays, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm trying to make sure these are 110% right- no last minute boo-boos like a few other projects. Please appreciate it. The delays are all my fault- trying to ensure these are as good as they can be. I'm striving for new dot uniforms that are very difficult to distinguish from the real ones. Instead of a unit debate about whether or not they are "acceptable", I want "holy shit? Why are you wearing an original...?" With a little wear, on a small guy, I think these will make it. (Sorry, I have yet to see original trousers in a 44 waist...)

The delays-
Last Fall I switched to dye instead of ink (as used by the majority of camo printers now) so the colors bleed through the back like originals. As these wear, the colors will gradually fade rather than scrape off and show white underneath. Then I have spent the last 3 months niggling the patterns- my originals are 36 shorts and the other repros are of little help. After quite a bit of trial and error, these fit well and they have the right details- they are not copies of reed green tunics like most other copies.

As for where things stand- where's the damned dot? As stated above, the camo cloth is finally done. (See pic at top.) I have samples of the final fabric and it looks better than the test fabric- which itself got great reviews from those who saw it in person. It is the same cloth used on the early production uniforms we've had this Spring, except that the back of the cloth is now a dirty khaki or oatmeal color instead of white. We also had them use a different colorfasting so the cloth is a little softer when new. I just finished test washing these samples as I type this. Although we still urge you to hand wash, they stood up to Tide and the Roper just fine. It is a linen/ cotton blend like originals- not cotton or polycotton as used on the cheap copies.

I'm now awaiting the final pre-production samples- a uniform in every size to double check my pattern making skills- which have been imperfect in the past. The main run should be produced sometime in June and shipping to us will take 3-5 weeks so they should ("should" indicates a bit of uncertainty and wiggle room for Mr. Murphy) be here by early August. Or late August. Or September if something goes awry. If these being a few weeks later than estimated really burns you up, go ahead and organize (another) boycott to show your indignance at having been screwed once again by alwaysoutofstock.com. Since we do not accept deposits or pre-orders, and therefore have taken exactly NONE of your money, I really don't feel compelled to offer compensation for intentional infliction of emotional distress. Some people are crapping their pants that I ruined their plans for a Panzer Meyer display at the Hooters for Heroes show in June. I suspect that there will be another chance to impress the school kids and their milfs in the future. (FYI- once the public sees a swastika, dot or no dot, you're just another nazi. If you want to pick up chicks- join the band. Go airborne. If you gotta be a rebel, do 82nd.)

So, these are the facts. Any other gibberish is inaccurate babble. Your time would be better spent starting a discussion on the farb forum about what a reenactor hating egomaniac I am because I won't make size XXXXXL dot trousers or matching farb caps. At least that one has a kernel or two of truth to it.

Running a business isn't easy. I'm repeatedly amazed at the mistakes that other people make in operating theirs- they do the damndest things- and create extra work for themselves in the process.
Yes, I should rejoice when the competition makes incompetent decisions- but I don't. I'm friends with several of them and others are pretty amusing. But it continually boggles my mind to watch them make the same stupid mistakes over and over and over....

The A number one screw up I have seen over 29 years of reenacting (or living like a historian) is breaking promises.
If you tell the customer that you'll have their helmet or uniform finished in a week, do it. Better yet, tell them 3 weeks, deliver in one and they'll love you and get a boner. (Deal with the latter consequence however you choose to.)

Don't tell people you've shipped their order when you haven't. Yes, it'll get them off the phone for a few days, but when they realize that you're lying, (post office labels have this damning little detail- called a "date") it does far more damage than telling the truth- that you haven't shipped their shit. A pleasant surprise is far better than a disappointment. Many dealers make a career out of dodging calls and making up creative excuses as to where the order is. When the bullet holes in your foot start to hurt, remember that the gun is in your own hand.

Don't take money for something you don't have on hand. Several dealers have cultivated a mystique with the mantra of "worth the wait". In nearly all cases it's not true. Save yourself a lot of headaches and simply wait to advertise it until you actually have it.

If you encourage people to post feedback about your business on the consumer guide or forums, be prepared for the consequences.

If you have a website, update it once in awhile. If you rarely attend to it, make sure you don't have the "last updated" counters on your pages. Poor photos hurt. Save scripture for passion plays. It annoys some of the pagans- and they have more loot than many of God's children- at least 10% extra to burn on your stuff.

Don't waste your time making stupid crap nobody wants. Don't mistake 25 phone calls requesting Japanese army underwear as a gold mine- the same 3 fruitcakes (and the 2 guys with 60 inch waists) call 3 times each day which makes their numbers seem deceptively large. If it was used on D-Day it's likely to be a winner- otherwise, be cautious. Sad, but true. I like the smell of asian taint but there's no money in it.

Don't bring hot chicks to dress up your display at shows. Reenactors are fascinated by any sort of female primate- cute is not necessary. And yes, reenactors are in need of female attention more than most any other group of white protestant males, but it still won't help your sales. They'll just hover around your table spewing cheesy pick-up lines ("did you ever date a Sturmbannfuhrer?") and drool all over your stuff. Leave the chicks at Hooters or White Castle.

Yes, I make plenty of mistakes- I don't know it all. I myself made many of the same mistakes above- but I tried to learn from them- not reinforce them. I can't prove it, but our predominance is largely thanks to making those corrections. Just my 2 cents.

Not to worry- I still have never taken any sort of business or marketing class. I will continue to work to eliminate historical ignorance (khaki), discuss inappropriate topics and be generally obnoxious.
Why can I get away with this? Because your order was already shipped.
Yesterday.

Just FYI, no one inspired this by whining about us. Two things prompted it- watching one dealer doing the "Curly Shuffle" on a forum and the constant calls we get from other vendors' customers beseeching us to somehow persuade them (the other vendor) to send them their stuff. Which, by the way, we don't do. You're on your own. Don't worry. Just be patient. It's sure to be worth the wait!

First and foremost, let me thank Mr. Sprague for this link, which makes this entire rant possible. When I first posted my rant, daring to take on the action doll community, I did receive some pretty hateful replies. For a time I was afraid that I would be taken out by hit teams made up of dragon action doll commandoes. But I guess they were too preoccupied with more serious matters- like attending plushie conventions, tolerance marches, and proctology seminars. Now, please don't jump to conclusions- I don't think that everyone who collects action dolls is gay. (I myself have several hundred I got in a trade at Iola for MG42 targets- but most are naked so I don't know their names.) Nor do I think that all the dolls themselves are homoerotic- just the German ones. And lastly, perish the thought that I might consider living on the queer side to be in any way distasteful. But gender re-assignment does creep me out a bit. Ouch.

That said, my beef has been with those who take their action dolls way too seriously- those who think they have souls or something. They are simply little poseable plastic man-dolls, many of whom are dressed in nazi uniforms. That's it. Little dildos at worst, historically educational models at best.

This posting simply bears out my suspicions. This poor guy is simply trying to share his enjoyment of the man-doll collecting hobby and he's being ostracized for standing up for what he believes in. Just like Martin Luther King, Gandhi or Ernst Rohm. Why can't the doll fans realize that they all have common ground with this poor soul and just get along? Sad, so sad.

Hey, am I crazy or does the Allgemeine SS guy in the first 2 pics look like Lance Varga or what? And I swear the Fritz the panzer cadet is Chalupa.

Have you ever noticed that German re-enacting brings out some rather peculiar characters? I'd say "freakshows" but since buttslamming your buddy and having your wanker turned into a twitter have gone mainstream- I'll have to stick with "peculiar".
Here we have Mr. K playing hard to get. The Field Marshal and and his soulmate have been trying to convince Scott to join their polyamourous unit for some months, but he's not ready to go to the pink side just yet. So, after striking out yet again, we see Field Marshal Capote contemplating the possibility of getting a chihuahua into his colon via the gun tube...

Since we are evidently the ultimate scum sucking kings of false advertising and poor customer service, we have been advised by numerous disgruntled types that we are soon to be boycotted by themselves, their units, clans, relatives and anyone else in the universe who looks up to them for advice. Well, due to a moment of non-pagan humility, I thought I'd help you folks out and air things out right here where everyone can see them. We'll save you the work of contacting everyone within a 3,000 mile radius to let them know what scoundrels we are.

What the hell have we done now? Well, it seems the most recent rash of complaints stem from our habit of selling defective or pre-production sample goods at shows in our "junk pile" or on the closeout page for 40-80% off- then refusing to exchange them for first quality or new generation items after months or years of use. Either the defect exercises itself, they neglect to try it on until 2 years later or they simply wear it out. The fact that we advertise and clearly mark these items as "defects" and usually give a detailed description of the defect is apparently of no consequence. Apparently I really screwed up in having the credit a few years ago on the streaky HBT's- with that high quality "Made in USA" fabric finishing. We've had little or no trouble until the last 10 days- I suspect this sudden interest is the result of some sort of chat circle or "forum" posting. Do all the nitwits get together and decide how to push the envelope all at once?

In the future, I suppose we should emulate most other WWII vendors who won't take returns or exchanges under any circumstances, or make you pay the shipping even when they send you what you did not order. Or how about instead of shipping your order in the first place, we just swear we already shipped it or that we will gladly do so next Tuesday?

Try calling up any of the others companies and pitch a bitch because the boots you bought 6 years ago wore out.

Other transgressions include- our failure to persuade the US Post to deliver packages to France for $4 and our unwillingness to alter the angles of the heels on our German boots with a grinder so they are eaiser to click when one salutes the Fuhrer.

So, I wholeheartedly agree with this movement. We are genuine filth, we care about nothing aside from your credit card number. A boycott is the best idea since Snuggies. Let us know how we can help.

Oh- and on an unrelated note- who gives a rat's ass WHAT Oprah's "number 1 superfood" is? She's a hog- about as shining an example of weight loss as Kirstie Alley. Rattle, rattle here comes the cattle...

Since the beginning of the year, we have had a sudden increase in the number of requests for dealer prices. Many of the demands are for our new generations of US uniforms. Our negative or mostly negative replies have been met with some rather rude and snotty feedback. So, as nicely as I can explain it, here are the reasons for our lack of interest in wholesaling.

This world is too small: In the past, we have wholesaled to some other dealers in the US. However, it did not amount to more than a few thousand dollars per year, and then we had to compete with our own products at every event or show. Invariably, several of the dealers undercut our prices often dramatically- some in a less than brilliant effort to outsell us and others simply because they needed gas money to get home. The only way to make this practical would be to stay away from shows and stick to wholesaling- which would lose far more than it would gain.

Price Control: Each time we went to close out an item, and lowered the price, or even simply put things on sale, dealers called up and screamed bloody murder. (Apparently it's OK for them to discount stuff at shows, but not for us to do it at all.)

Sturm: I know most dealers are tired of Sturm stuff. He's flooded the market- and everyone and their mother sells his products. When we found two if his manufacturers a few years ago, he had a fit. Mr. Sturm was my first supplier and we buy over a hundred thousand dollars a year from him. Pissing in his wheaties might be a a bad thing. A few years ago, I made a verbal promise to stay out of the wholesale business.

Cost & Limitations: When we debated a more extensive wholesale effort several years ago, Rex Reddick warned me that unless we offered "dealer" prices on every item we sell, there would be a shit-fit. He was right. Many items we simply do not have enough margin or supply of to offer discounts. I have tried to keep our retail prices in the reasonable range which also limits any discount we can offer. US made gear is a tad more expensive to produce than that made in Pakistan. I know, Sturm sells 10 pocket belts for $17. But those are made in Cambodia and they're polyester with plastic buckles. Sorry Pierre, there is a difference...

Who's a dealer? This is the last and most annoying problems with the wholesale idea. It's amazing how angry some guys get when you ask for their state tax ID number. But they really do have a business....sure. The most common requests are free samples (in their size), bill me in 90 days (sure, we'll get it right out...) or how much for 10? OK, send me 2 (for the same price). And just a little tip- if you want us to even begin to believe you, never, EVER, start the conversation with "I'm making a movie..." We are not impressed. Gina simply goes into her "re-enactors just stole their mom's camcorder" mode.

Quantity Prices: If you need a quantity of something, like 10 or 20 uniforms or packs, (not 2 buttons) just ask. This is easier. We'll work with you in most caes, but on some items there is no discount and that's that.

So, in short, dealer sales amount to a pain in the uterus and we have no trouble selling this junk on our own accord. What items we can comfortably wholesale, we will, unless I get too annoyed and then we'll change policies according to my mood & whim. As for those dealers who are pissed off about our prices on the few things we will, then why don't you do something about it? Take hundreds of thousands of dollars, spend years developing this stuff and then sell it for $5 and show me who's boss.

Enough is enough. I'm declaring all out war on "khaki". We waste more time reassuring B.O.B. and SPR fan club members that our US uniforms are the right color than the next 10 stupid questions combined. The new angle is to call up and claim that we mistakenly sent them a "green uniform" -not a khaki one like what we have pictured on the site or in the catalog. Some of these calls are truly based on ignorance while a few figure that if they whine we'll send them free stuff.

I am going to purge the word "khaki" from the website. I HATE that word. Unless we make the summer service shirt and pants (khakis) there is no longer any reason to mention that abominable term, except on the khaki page where I strive to cure the ignorance of the masses. We were remarkably successful in eradicating the "field-gray is only one color" stupidity, but granted, this khaki bullshit is much more pervasive and the task that much more daunting. It tries one's patience more than watching the special olympics spelling bee.

There is no more "khaki". It is "od3". That's a fact and no amount of ignorance can change that. The mere existence of that word on the site encourages mental retardation.

From here out, if someone snivels that we sent them a "green" uniform, the answer is, "No, it's olive. Same color as originals."
Don't like the real color, send it back. I have hundreds of original samples to verify our colors. Do you?"

I have been itching to express my disgust at the things that enthrall our people and things that they are dumb enough to buy or watch. Granted, parapooper gear and nazi stuff is odd, but at least you can wear it or use it for camping gear.
But this stuff...

1. Twittering at twitter.com: "Twitter" around these here parts is slang for "poontang". Need I elaborate?

2. Who the hell is Billy Mayes? Why should I be excited about some product that fat turd endorses? He's annoying as hell, won't shave and apparently has only one blue shirt and one pair of khaki pants. Loser. I just want him off of my TV.

3. "Media aflutter over Obama beefcake": If that man were to smear Mr Hanky on a piece of canvas, CNN would run 5 days of stories touting it as the new Mona Lisa. He can't tie his shoe or cook an egg without some zipperhead reporter calling it "brilliant".

4. Commemorative Coins: If they were such collector's items, why in God's name are they legal tender nowhere but Liberia? Obviously, people buy this crap.

5. Magic gyms: If getting fit and developing a "beefcake" body only required $19.99 and 8 minutes per day of fast and easy effort, why is everybody so damned fat?

6. Shamwows: First of all, who in their right mind buys anything from a guy named Vince , who looks like a pedophile, with a lollypop microphone stuck to his head? Second, $20 for a rag? With no Waffenamt? Please.

7. Video Professor: No kidding that fat broad's 3 year old knows more about computers than she does. The kid can probably drive better too. Find a less dimwitted customer for your ad John.

8. "Where is Caylee?": Dead. We've know the poor kid was toast since day one. No one "loses" their tike and let's it slip their mind for 3 weeks before looking for it. Unless they snuffed it. Nancy Grace has got to be the most annoying woman in the universe and seeing her milk the death of that poor girl for 6 months makes me hurl. Perhaps I should bag it up and send it to her. But that would probably be declared a WMD.

9. "Paranormal Investigators". Jesus H. Christ. Talk about reinforcing ignorance. "I heard a squeak! Oh my God! Proof of Blackbeard's ghost!!!!" Professional wrestling is more intellectually stimulating.

10. The Whale Woman on that "Repo" show...with the fish hook in her lip. And pigtails. Get her off of my TV. WTF? We don't want to see that thing nor do we care what it has to say. Thank God it's not nekkid. Unless she's on top of Billy Mayes. Now THAT would be damned funny...

This is more of a service announcement, yet still a bit of a rant. As some of you may have noticed, we have been in turmoil over the years about sewing insignia on uniforms. On the face of it, the choice is clear. We have lots of uniforms, thousands of patches and 55 sewing machines. And, many customers can't sew and their local tailor/ alteration shop might frown on applying swastikas. Tel Aviv Custom Tailors might be less sympathetic to fixing up your Theodor Eicke outfit...
However, as we have learned (over and over again) to our chagrin, sewing insignia is a major hassle. It amounts to custom orders. Lots of them.

This time we have changed our approach. There is now one employee dedicated to doing only insignia sewing and alterations. Machine sewing of "basic" insignia is now included in almost all uniforms shirts, jackets and coats. We are gradually applying the most universal insignia combinations to most German tunics. In many cases, this will allow us to avoid any shipping delays. US uniforms will have to be done singly since there's no way to predict which SSI will be requested. (OK, we could sew 101st patches on 87% of all jackets, but that's somehow racist..)

For the near term (November) we am going to concentrate on getting the the basics pre-sewn. Orders for Oberpoopenfuhrer Tunics with 12 TD badges, Tresse and a Krim Shield may be delayed for several weeks until the we get this taken care of.

The single biggest problem in the past was size exchanges. It is forever amazing how many people have absolutely no clue what size they wear. I don't mean trying to decide between a 42 and a 44. I mean ordering a 48L and returning it for a 40R. Some of these antics are due to MENSA members who assume we're retarded and have no idea that an overcoat is meant to be worn over other stuff and needs to be made to compensate. But most are simply people who can't read the labels in their own clothes. I can't believe there are enough nudist colonies to explain the screwball sizing problems we get.

We will allow returns this time. Now you size-challenged types can quit burning our uniforms with cigarettes so you can claim they are defective. However, there is a 30% restocking fee on any uniforms with insignia or alterations that get returned. Why am I such a Capo about this? Because when you send back that M41 with double SSI's and 1st SGT chevrons, the jacket and Chevrons are now "defective". When we remove the insignia, both it and the jacket will have stitch holes. Removing insignia will leave traces which will require us to sell it on the defect/ seconds rack at the next show. So, it would be pretty cool for all concerned if you determined your size by some means aside from us sending your uniforms back and forth with UPS for 3 weeks. (It happens more than you think.)

Here's the basics. For Kraut uniforms, the price of the tunic will include sewing for a set of EM collar tabs and a breast or sleeve eagle. For the G.I.'s, we'll put a unit patch on. Extra stuff, like tresse, chevrons, IC ribbons, cuff titles etc, etc will cost....extra. For details go to the sewing page.

At the Gap last week, we had about a dozen indignant types chastise us for our lack of patriotism. These guys were quite offended that we could not provide 100% US Made products for their Himmler impression. They proudly boasted that they only buy US or European-made products. My answer to that is two fold:
1. That's what you think.
2. Good luck.

There are three problems. Cost, availability and quality. In most cases, the flag waving and chest thumping come to a screeching halt when they see the price tag on a US made tunic or pair of boots. In our experience, these customers expect a US made product for the same price as the imported counterpart. Why do you think Lost Battalions has had such a hard time?

For a variety of reasons, (patriotism being honestly low on the list) I try to make as much as we can in this country. However, we are stymied by more than cost. Firstly, finding US made materials is nearly impossible. HBT, cotton twill and wool serge all come from India, China or Mexico now. What we can acquire in this country generally sucks ass when it comes to quality. I don't know whether the remaining companies are hiring crack-heads or they simply don't give a rat's ass, but in the last 2 years, everything bought from US companies was inferior to that of the foreigners- except for Scovil snaps & the wool knit we use for jeep caps.

We make about 20% of our products (seat of the pants guesstimate) here in our own shop. That percentage will fluctuate up and down depending on our ability to find materials.

So, we sympathize, but unless this country gets it's head out of its ass, 100% Made in USA is a pipe dream. As for Made in Europe, sure. Most of that stuff is made in China, then repackaged and stamped "Made in das Vaterland" and sent to the unsuspecting living historian.

The companies we deal with are cool. The owners have visited us, hung out, consumed a bit of liquor and swapped sick jokes. They are good people and they give a damn about what they make. They even speak good english- better than some of my neighbors...

Although I've ranted and raved about fat, I've neglected to get around to the other all-American nasty past time- smoking. If ever there was an activity with so many disadvantages and no demonstrable benefits, smoking has got to be it. I realize that, especially older Americans, grew up in an era when all "cool" people smoked. Despite the obvious drawbacks, it was openly encouraged. My generation was the beginning of the end of that, but the rebels felt it was a worthwhile way to show their "free will". What's that expression about being bitten in the butt...?

Living in Kentucky, one of the last real pro-smoking holdouts, is telling. Smoking bans are somehow seen as an attack on one's freedom and liberty. The fact that the smoke drifts over to everyone else in the room is of no concern to the dedicated addicts.

Moreover, those who can least afford the cigarettes and the ensuing health costs are the primary "freedom fighters". Go to the store and if you see a grungy broad with 3 unkept, screaming kids, paying for her groceries with food stamps, odds are there's a carton of "smokes" in her basket. Naw, I have no problem with paying for their chemotherapy and quadruple bypass. It's my patriotic duty. I wouldn't dream of infringing on their rights to enjoy two packs a day! Not that all smokers are on welfare, but it appears that a larger percentage of those on the dole are smokers than the rest of us.

How in the hell can anyone enjoy that filth? Let's see:
Upsides:
Gives you something to do with your hands.
Makes you look like James Dean.

Downsides:
Heart disease
Lung disease(s)
Reduced endurance.
It stinks
It makes you and your stuff stink.
Yellow fingernails and teeth.
Ashtray breath.
Premature aging. Pucker lines, smoker's voice...
Nicotine addiction.
Expensive.
Annoying.
Dangerous.
Makes your car smell like dirty underwear.

Have you nicotine lovers seen someone dying of congestive heart failure or lung cancer? I have. Two in the last month. It looks like a lot of fun. Being tethered to oxygen bottles. Being too weak to walk further than the kitchen. Having to have help to get off the toilet. Having your chest drained of fluid every week. Chemotherapy.
Where do I sign up?

I am not unaware of how deeply addiction sinks its claws into smokers. I sit next to Gina almost every day. I've offered her $5,000 cash to quit. Forget it. Didn't faze her. For the last week I've been packing her smokes with earwax from my dog (who has ear mites) but Gina hasn't seemed to notice. I guess it just adds "flavor". I'm thinking next I'll try those little things that blow up. Aren't they called "lady fingers"? Quitting is tough, but if there was one time instance that behooves you to take action, as drastic as necessary, this might be it.

Now, if there's something besides tobacco in the paper, I have a bit more sympathy. Getting high is about like getting drunk. It has a few benefits, so long as one exercises control and moderates it. But frying your lungs and skanking out everything within 20 feet of your person just for the hell of it is downright retarded. How many special olympians smoke? Even they know better.

It has been brought to our attention that there are some spam emails going around stating that our SS Oak camo is "too bright" and is unusable. It purports to be from a knowledgable source which is obviously not the case. Just in case you are foolish enough to open, much less believe spam of any sort...here's the usual body slam. Originals vs. our stuff-

See? The originals are too bright to be camo too.
Maybe that's why they lost the War! What a bunch of tards they were.

If this still does not give you satisfaction, please know that I feel your pain. Really. I wouldn't kid about such a thing.
I urge you to lodge a formal compalint with the SS Wirtschafts-Vervaltungshauptamt (attn: Herr Pohl) at the earliest opportunity. The address is somewhere in Berlin.

Special Needs

It's amazing how many people are flabbergasted that we need their address. I'm not sure how some individuals assume we can send their stuff without it but...why be so secretive?
Oh yeah, we're that ATF and we're coming to break your door down, take your guns, shoot your wife and rape your dog. If you order a Thompson SMG pouch you must be hiding all sorts of illegal weapons in your compound.

Then there's the mystery packages. Returns with no name, no note, no paperwork, no phone number and no return address. Hundreds of dollars of free stuff, just for us. I thought it was common sense to at least toss a note in the box to explain whether one wanted an exchange, a refund or for Gina to send you some of her shoes instead. WTF?

I'm certain that the reenacting/living historically/busting-caps-while-wearing-nazi-uniforms community doesn't have a higher percentage of mentally challenged individuals than the general population. That couldn't be. But why is it that we seem to deal with so many people who apparently can't dress themselves, spell their own names, or wash their own clothes? And the kicker? Somebody gave these people credit cards. No wonder the economy is in the tank. I'm going to fill out applications for my dogs. And the cat.
How much worse could it get?
Oh yeah. They have guns too...

New Junk

At serious risk of inflicting migraines on Gina, here's some poop on upcoming stuff.
Please, let this info suffice.
Gina (or Steve or Nick) knows little or nothing about my schemes. So I'm asking nicely for you guys to refrain from bombarding them with questions (even sane ones), demands for preorders, photos or fabric samples for things that don't yet exist.
After months or years of development, about 40 new items are finally ready to be produced. Much of the time was spent convincing the suppliers to duplicate rather than imitate the originals. Their other customers are primarily concerned with price. After much hemming and hawing, I found that explaining to them that I wanted perfect copies, even if the cost doubled, swung the doors open and then things started to roll. All of these items are completely new generations; they are not from Sturm or SM. Some items are in production now, some are in sample form but ready to commence and a few do not exist in sample form yet, but that will change shortly. No preorders! This absolves us of having to wrestle with Mr. Murphy and his law. And, I have no desire to have a fantasy website. Being "Alwaysoutofstock.com" is enough trouble. Someday maybe we'll make size 60 waist paratrooper pants for those losers whiners. But not today...

I've spent a fortune on original samples to copy this year. I about messed my pants when I added up how much it was the other day. I just love cutting up original dot helmet covers!
Anyway...this stuff should start showing up in November. Maybe. No promises, but that's a reasonably educated guesstimate.

On that note, I'm still struggling to find one thing: A sample of the "marled" fabric used on Fallschirmjager smocks. I have 2 original smocks, but, for obvious reasons, I don't want to cut them or send them overseas. Does anyone have a grenade bag, tailored/ butchered smock or some other thing made with this stuff? Please don't waste our time with East German or Bundeswehr police garbage. I need a sample of original "marled" Splinter fabric in reasonably good condition. Just email pics and price if you have something.

German Stuff: I've repeatedly promised new duds for the Master Race. For years and years. Well, they are finally happening. I have the production samples for 44 dot and Reed green. The 100% linen fabric and colors are as good or better than anything else ever made. Better than SM, better than the Czech Peepa-Kings and sure as hell better than the crap from Hong Kong Willie. The dot will most likely pass for original. Unlike most of the other repros, our patterns are correct. Our dot tunics will use the correct SS patterns, not those for Heer Drillich tunics. The collars are wider, the pockets aren't slanted, they are placed higher on the chest and the belt hook hangars are loops, not straps. Likewise, the Army HBT tunics are patterned from real ones. I confirmed the orders last week. These should be in around November. 44 dot on Cotton twill may happen as well, but not sure. Sorry, no obscure stuff like Luftwaffe coveralls, reed-green panzer outfits or farby-ass 44 dot caps or helmet covers. Just 44 dot tunics and trousers (infantry and Panzer) and M43 pattern reed green tunics and trousers.
Also in production are V-neck sweaters and knit gloves. Both are as good as the German or Estonian-made copies of a few years ago. Other stuff includes knit shirts, belt hooks, internal suspenders and collar binds.
Further out, hopefully before the Gap panic, are Splinter helmet covers, smocks and Zeltbahns. The smocks will be from the same linen HBT as the 44 dot and reed green. If sales hold up, I hope to put Parkas (Oak, Tan & Water and Splinter) as well as Tan & Water smocks into the works shortly thereafter.

Not making the cut are other SS camo patterns and officer stuff. I have done other SS patterns before and always neglected the Heer so it's time to be fair. Hopefully in 2009. Allgemeine & SA Nazi-wear ain't happening. Ever. Likewise the Xyklon-B cans and brown-piped shoulderboards. That stuff brings out the fruitcakes. I'd hate to be responsible for someone getting singed when their cross burning goes awry.

US Junk:
New, improved M41 Jackets, M1942 Paratroopers and Tankers should be in before Christmas.
New stuff: HBT coveralls, tank tops (repro WWII, not surplus), trouser suspenders, 5 button sweaters, and US Made scarves. Also 100% wool M37 Trousers, Service Coats, and Garrison caps. We are finalizing the wool gloves with leather palms. They will be about $30 due to the wool. It's a stretch knit which forms to your hand. But the stuff is expensive. I had to buy 1500 pairs to make them happen. So I don't want to hear it...
On the "maybe" list are Mackinaws, Parson's jackets and 1st Pattern HBTs. These will depend on our sales (loot). Things that didn't make the cut are officer uniforms, overcoats and P44 USMC stuff. Maybe in 2009.
Update: Well, I got my wish. "Perfect" M41's will cost two and a half times what the current ones cost, mainly due to the 100% wool lining. The shell fabric is about 10% heavier. We're getting another quote for a 70/30 wool blend to see if that will drop them a bit. Either way that puts them at $100 or more. And, wonders never cease, Talon (Tagit-Pacific) has suddenly decided they can indeed make a pull and slide that is almost the same as WWII. I'll have to mull the idea of $100-120 M41's around for awhile. I'd buy one, but I don't know about the reat of you...

Catalog:
Hopefully by October we'll have a fairly complete catalog. This is a guess, not a promise.

Ants in the pants:
PLEASE DON'T PESTER GINA (or anyone else) for more info on this stuff. I really won't forget to post this junk on the website when it comes in. I promise. With sugar and Gina's shoes on top. Also, the smallest quantity of any of these items will be 500 pieces. We won't run out in 3 days or anything. There's no panic. No need for reservations or preorders.
Thanks.

New Junk II
&
Shipping Apologies

The little gas price thing has finally started sinking its teeth into shipping charges. Although UPS Ground rates remain, for the moment, largely unchanged, I had to raise rates for expedited service (Next Day, 2nd Day and 3 day Select) $10-20 today. A 10 pound package to Arizona now costs just over $80 to ship with Next Day Air. An envelope is about $40. US Post has raised their International rates about $10 across the board in the past week. UPS international rates are out of this world...

This may also cause some price increases in our products, mainly the next shipments of boots. I have eliminated the 2 pairs of US boots for $199 deal as our next boots will probably cost us $20 a pair for freight. Plus duties, taxes, etc. Leather and wool have also gone up, but I may be able to keep the price of most things stable. At this point, the main damage is in our ability to discount.

On the upside, this will hurt the El cheapo products more than it will good stuff. When it costs $4 to ship a $10 backpack from China (or cheap toys for Walmart) that is rough. Conversely, $4 more on a $50 high-end item is not so much to worry about. (I'm talking about shipping in freight containers, not airmail.)

On the new junk front:
I'm leaning toward the King Cat Daddy M41's. They'll probably be between $110 and $125. But, there is no Eastman or Buzz Rickson quality M41 on the market. There is one expensive M41 out there, but it's pea green and uses the wrong lining. Ours should be "all tits". We'll make less money overall on the expensive ones, and I suspect sell fewer, but this tickles my fancy...and my fancy is ultimately the deciding factor. Kind of like being left alone in the house with the dog and a jar of peanut butter. But anyway..

44 Dot would have been here already, but I'm being a pain about it. The last change is trying to use reactive dyes instead of ink so these will bleed through and fade like an original. I'm seriously considering making two slightly different shades and having the parts co-mingled like originals. That will really make the farbs and bug humpers cry, but that also tickles my elmo. The main problem with this scheme would be convincing the contractor that I really, really want them to do that and I'm not drunk.

US Tank tops, Wool gloves, wool trousers, Service coats, Garrison caps, trouser suspenders and HBT Coveralls are in production now. Likewise with German V-neck sweaters, wool gloves (with the pretty little rings too), belt hooks and internal suspenders.

Lastly, about the only things we will continue to manufacture here are US field gear items and some helmet liner components. We are working to improve the import Paratrooper Uniforms to the point which they are superior to our US Made models. It's not simply a matter of money anymore. The quality of the US made materials is suffering. I'm not sure if it's due to apathy, depression, drug abuse, poor public school education, or global warming...whatever the case, with exception to some hardware (namely snaps) the foreign companies now make superior products and have better service. I'm not going to get into all of those comparisons to social rot and the decline of the Roman Empire today. Let's just cross our fingers and hope President Obumba is able to set things straight...

We have enough US Paratrooper Uniforms and USMC utilities to carry us through 2008. After that, they are probably dinosaurs. However, as prices overseas keep increasing, as does the cost of freight, we may be able to resurrect them in a few years. We're keeping all of our machines and equipment just in case.

Why Can't You Ship
My Hat for Free?
(To Italy)

Here we go.
Again.
The smaller the item, the more insistent people are that we should ship it for free. The pest factor grows exponentially as the distance from our location increases. At the point which we are finally able to communicate "no" they switch to "put it in an envelope and use a stamp" mode. Once the item arrives, and they are required to pay duties, then the item invariably becomes "blemished" and they deserve a freebie. The Euro is like 1.5. Quit acting like Hillary.

The funny part is, we now require EMS shipping because of these thrifty types. Although the post offers cheaper options (but they are rapidly approaching price parity with EMS), they lack tracking numbers. Guido and Pepe discovered a few years ago that Paypal and some credit card providers will automatically refund a customer's payment if the shipper cannot provide a tracking number. (A postal receipt is meaningless to them.) They had a field day for about 6 weeks until we woke up and shut that one down. Even when the complaints were honest, the cheaper options ("Airmail" or "Surface") can take up to 8 weeks to materialize at their destination. These customers are usually as impatient as they are thrifty. It doesn't work.

Moreover, have you characters failed to notice fuel prices? Do you think UPS or the Post is giving discounts? It really does cost $30 or more to send any package abroad nowadays. Yes, it sucks when you only need a button, a patch or a hat. That's why it behooves you to wait until you need more things or pool together with with a friend and do a joint order. This is not our fault. (Just like diet failure.) We do not set the postal rates and we have no one in Congress or the hierarchy at UPS to shmooze or send hookers to for a special deal on shipping your hat.

If you simply cannot bear to pay shipping, then there is one very easy solution. Just come by the shop and pick up your stuff. We're open Monday through Friday...And Gina might come in on Sunday if you make nice and send her pictures of your housecat in a seductive pose.

Why Mister, why?

Not much of a rant this time. I'm bored with Obuma, Billary and low-fat/ high-carb diet rants. So, here's some answers to common questions about how and why we do some of the things we do.
Why don't you have a shopping cart on the website?
I have considered it over the years, but there are several reasons. First and foremost, I have not been able to figure out how to do it myself. However, I do know that it results in every last item having a drop down box, which would take forever and a day to retrofit to every page. Perhaps more importantly, these fields (drop down boxes) would not update themselves when we sold out of an item or a size of an item. Then we'd have to contend with the "I put it in my shopping cart so I KNOW you have one you liars" syndrome. This same lack of technology is also the reason that we don't have automatic email confirmations. So for the near future, we'll stay low tech and mildly inconvenient.
Why aren't you all computerized?
I started to do so 10 years ago. I lost my ass on a "survey" from a design company. In a nutshell, none of the out-of-the-box systems will work with the way we do orders. Specifically, making packages: 10 or more items grouped together to make another inventory item. Such activities are soooo complicated that it is beyond the capabilities of technological wonders like Peachtree and Quickbooks. So, this means we need a "custom made" system, which is many thousands of dollars, plus $25,000+ per year for "maintenance". That would pay for an awful lot of booby bar tabs, or boobies and dentures for Gina. Instead, we do what everyone did back in the stone-age. Duplicate copies and a file cabinet. Usually, we can track an order down within 15 minutes. That's cheaper than 25K annually.
On the upside, if our computer goes down, we can still operate and, best of all, there is no database of names and credit card numbers to have hacked and stolen. This makes Sergei and Pasha very unhappy....
Why don't we attend more/ every reenactment?
Costs too much and takes too long. We usually need to take the trailer to have a good selection. That cuts our already dismal fuel mileage in half. And diesel is now a rip-off. We need a day to pack, a day to unpack plus I have to pay the guys and feed them. Unless there are at least 300 people at an event, we lose money. The Gap, Reading Air Show and the SOS are about the only events that are actually profitable to attend. I do try to do half a dozen random events per year just to bust caps in a historical fashion, but it doesn't always work out.
Why don't we sell all that neat (and cheap) stuff that Hong Kong Harry and the other commies offer?
We have been offered the same products repeatedly. However, most all of them have one or more shortcomings that put me off. A practical person might work with the manufacturers to correct the errors, but then everyone and their mother would have them and it'd be shooting ourselves in the foot. So, we trudge along, gradually developing things with our own sources.
Why don't we sell Allgemeine SS, SD, Sonderkommado or Hitler costumes?
The owner is Jewish.
Why don't we sew insignia or do alterations?
Too many people have no idea what size they are. If we remove insignia it leaves stitch holes, which creates a "used" uniform. It is more trouble than it's worth. It's worth noting that few if any other vendors are willing to do this any longer.
Why don't we sell firearms?
Too much hassle with different state laws, shipping issues and there's no steady source for Garands and K98's. And the Belgians would have a fit when we refused to ship them a Carbine.
Why does the owner (me) sound so mean? Why does he insult the honor of action figure collectors?
Simply put, it entertains me and it apparently entertains a lot of other people. Dirt sells. This I discovered by accident a few years ago when I got fed up with the Feldgrau-weenies (who I later learned are tame compared to the Khakinazis) and I went off on the website. Poor Phil (who did the site at that time) was biting his nails fearing the wrath of the customers. Much to our surprise, the opposite occurred. I seemed to strike a chord. Thus, the flames were fanned and off I went. So here we are, with one of the more peculiar owner/customer relationships on the internet. Bill Maher eat your heart out. As for action figures, I just think they're gay. No matter what anyone says, they're dolls. Plain and simple.
Is the owner gay?
A lot of people have their suspicions. I was stationed at the Presidio of San Francisco for a year and I learned to talk the talk pretty well. Add to that a sick sense of humor and a penchant for buying nekkid man magazines (and the occasional blow-up homie) and stashing it in the cars, houses, packages and pockets of my friends, other dealers, and customers and you will certainly raise some eyebrows. But, no, I don't play or mate with action dolls. I just shoot them. So were does that leave us...?
When will you have a catalog?
As soon as my lazy butt can finish it. It's not as easy or simple as it may seem. It's my fault and I apologize. Someday we will have one.
Why won't you take preorders or do custom orders?
Both seem to inspire people to get belligerent. The patience required appears to be a nonexistent commodity these days, so we opted out. They aren't worth the hassles they inspire.

Monkey Business

Note to the easily offended: If you are having trouble reading between the lines on this one, the only people I'm picking on are idiots and those who take advantage of them for personal gain. I don't give a damn what shade they are. Clear enough?

I don't often discuss politics on the website. But this business with Obama and his Minister got me thinking. The more I thought about Reverend Wright's rants, the more I began to see his logic. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks outside the box.

Defense: Complicity in 9/11? Busted. Yes, the rich crackers who rule this nation did it to themselves. If you aren't internet saavy, perhaps you're unaware that the KKK invented Islam as a party prank in 1871. While beating up a young African American behind a bar in Cookeville, TN, three klan members told their victim that they were angels with a message from God: from now on, boys were for fun and women were for babies. The klansmen thought little of their deed and forgot about it. However, their unfortunate victim was actually Mr. Farrakan's great grandfather's friend's cousin's neighbor. When he recovered, his only memories of the attack were of being visited by "angels". He became convinced that their story was real and committed himself to spreading the message. During a family holiday in Arabia the next year, he shared this message with some camel breeders and it went from there. It just got out of control. So, I can readily see how it's our fault that American men have Tara Conner and Playboy and the Arabs are stuck with the Koran and young boys. Their bitterness and frustration is understandable. It's as though Robert E. Lee himself was at the controls of Flight 175. I'll be glad when President Obama gets to the bottom of this one.

The Economy: If we did break down and pay the reparations we owe anyone who has a slave in their family tree, it would be the single biggest boost to the economy in U.S. History! Do you realize the economic stimulus that giving a million dollars to every afflicted family would be? The increase in Escalade sales alone would put General Motors back on its feet in no time! And the Federal reserve can secure these payments with securities backed by Orange County mortgages. Pure genius.

Race Relations: Hillary is white? Did someone fail to tell the good reverend that the business about Bill being "the first black president" was only used metaphorically? As for her having never been called "a n*****", I beg to differ. I know of at least two guys in Texas and one in Tennessee who have referred to her as such.

Religion: If Barack really is Jesus, cool. Then he can ask his Dad where OBL is hiding and we can have a big cookout to watch the Pay-per-view stoning of that lunatic. And he really will be able to end world poverty, probably with a wave of his hand. And global warming, and Britney's bipolar problems...the possibilities are endless. But...I thought David Koresh was Jesus? Is there more than one? I thought Jesus was a Jew, not a Muslim? I'm all confused.

Health Care: But most of all, I've always been insanely curious as to just how the CIA was able to persuade an AIDS infected Tanzanian spider monkey to lay pipe to a gay airline steward in the first place. Did they tie the guy to a tree nekkid and put bananas in his ears? Or was twinkle-toes-the-monkey-fucker already prone to zoophilia? Was there foreplay? How does one ply a monkey for his milk? Is there a specific etiquette? How does that work? People want to know. Regardless, it's obvious that their plan went awry when Mr. Monkeynuts got distracted by the bathhouses in the Castro district and failed to infiltrate the Black Panther Party...so much for our sleuths. We should have subbed that job out to the KGB.

This is a first. So many people have asked about the "Kentucky Rant", that I'm putting her back up. Enhanced.
So, without further ado...back by popular demand...

KY. Jelly

We live in the armpit of the nation. The only place worse I've seen was an Indian reservation...but that's probably changed since the casino was built. The central Kentucky countryside would be beautiful...if one could bulldoze the single-wides, pick up the trash and haul away all the appliances and old cars from peoples' yards.

Despite having one of the biggest lakes (and several marinas) in the region, the county is dry. Since moving here, I have learned that all the wine mentioned in the Bible was really nonalcoholic. Apparently, one of those guys hired by King James made a boo-boo and incorrectly translated "grape juice" as "wine". Despite the prohibition on selling wine (and other devilish beverages), there are more drunks here per capita than anywhere in I've ever been.

Those Kentucky "jokes" aren't necessarily jokes. There seems to be a never ending parade of preachers and teachers getting caught "diddling" their kids (or somebody else's). Why wait for the family reunion when your sister is right there lookin' hot on the sofa? Hey Baby...

Daisy Dukes? Well, other than Tara Conner, most of the local honeys sweat Crisco, chain smoke Marlboros, sport mullets and exceed the maximum load limit of the Brooklyn Bridge. But don't think for a minute that such trivialities will stop them from wearing short-shorts and tube-tops when the weather heats up. Big is beautiful and everyone has a God-given right to display the ink that their hard-earned welfare checks pay for....
Larry the Cable Guy would have so much material he'd have an aneurysm.

The other day at the diner, I watched a hogger of the first magnitude (she needed a bra for the rolls on her back) ash on her baby's head every time she reached across the table to take a bite of her equally well-proportioned hubbie's food. Apparently, singeing junior's scalp was an acceptable alternative to working up a sweat by waddling back to the buffet for another dump truck load. Sadly, such shining examples of humanity are not difficult to find around here. By the way, would using your baby's stroller for an ashtray count as secondhand smoke? Why shouldn't health care be free?

The local pastimes include scamming social security with bogus disabilities, shopping doctors for pain-pills (which are ground up and snorted) or, for those industrious types, bootlegging. (After church of course.) Some clever parents actually coach their kids how to appear disabled or retarded in order to "draw a check" on them. Did you know, if your child becomes morbidly obese, you can get a disability check for them? Sick but true. Each time a black bear is sighted, it is reported on the radio...which is immediately followed by an announcement from the game warden not to shoot it.

Paying for cigarettes, new tattoos, beer (from the bootlegger...after church of course), new sweat pants, and ringtones takes precedence over food and clothes for the kids. And these same citizens spend quite a bit of time ranting about the "worthless" Mexicans and other minorities here and around the country. White males are referred to as "pick-up artists". They take the wife or girlfriend to work, then pick her up later so they can have the car to tool around town and meet other chicks, shop at the bootlegger's, and go back home for a nap.

Yes, I know that all of these activities occur in just about any other place in the country. However, these antics are endemic in this area and the rampant hypocrisy that goes along with it makes this a very special place.

What better place for a new reality show? All the laundry here is dirty. It'd be a ratings magnet for whatever network decided to take the plunge. Yeehaw.

Too many events?
Where does all this junk go?

While updating the events page I've noticed several organizations that are hosting reenactments as often as once every six weeks on the same site. Is this not counterproductive? It's honestly a question rather than an opinion. Over the last 25 years, I've seen a decrease in the number of large events (attendance-wise) with a dramatic rise in the number of events overall. However, the mid-sized events appear to draw about the same number of participants as they always did.

Why do I care? I'm nosey. Our sales have been increasing about 15% every year since 2000. Our mailing list (even though we haven't used it in awhile) now has about 5 times as many names as it did in 2000. About 25,000. Taking into account the number of people who think I'm an insulting obnoxious pig and won't talk to us, that means that there should be at least 60,000 re-enactors (and living historicallies) around. So, logically, one would assume that you'd see more people out on the playground. Where are they?

Yes, I realize that there are a number of good reasons for the increase in the number of events. "Band of Brothers" reruns...the price of gas makes local or regional events far more attractive. When I was younger, many guys made the yearly Haj to the "National", the Gap and Ft. Story no matter how far away they lived. I'm not going to blame the quick-easy-convenience craze, but it's a factor.

Bigger isn't always better I know. However, the larger events tended to draw more armor, vehicles in general, good vending and usually were a good time. Now the Gap is about the only one left.

So what gives? We're sending out a helluva lot more stuff than in the past. What are you guys doing with it? Eating it? Selling it to the Taliban? Just like to hear Gina's voice? Using it for wrapping paper? Tossing it down a well? Where is it all going? It doesn't make sense.

Answers:
Yes, I know there are quite a few airsofters (not sure if that's the proper term), alot (about 15%) goes overseas, some stuff goes to museums...but I'm not too sure about the preparations for a race war. Somehow paratrooper outfits don't fit that bill as well as Real-tree coveralls and MAK90's. However, I don't think these would be enough to absorb the amount of stuff going out. If you think I'm complaining, I'm not. I shouldn't care where it goes so long as it goes and we make loot, right? But curiosity killed the cat...and according to Mr./Mrs. "Zarzoff" below, we're a bunch of felines so it stands to reason.

What inspired the "Rants"?

This makes two grand prize winners in a week. We haven't had any juicy hate mail in a very long time, despite my best efforts to aggravate everyone imaginable. I feel like crap today and Gina's mad because I licked her keyboard and gave her my cold. And then I saw this! This one made my morning. It gave me a smile. (Really).
But it defies explanation. Since he (or she, Terry being a unisex name) apparently won't reply, I guess the meaning (if there is one) will remain a mystery. Can anyone shed any light on this? Especially naughty words have been disguised by me to prevent our patrons' virgin eyes from being burned. Otherwise this is verbatim, spelling errors included.

"Hey you c*nts are THE FU**ING RUDEST people.......what sort of chip is on your shoulder??? ANYONE whop reads your webpage would just AVOID your business............
You have lied your asses off listign sh*t anyway.......so it goes with the attitude huh?
Exapmles??? JAP ARMY APS DIOD NOT ALL HAVE A REAR OPENING NOR STITCHING FOR THE REAR FLAPS. YOU JAP HELMETS ARE NOT SO FLASH AND $80 DEARER THAN ANY OF YOUR OPPOSITION....MOVIE PROPS???? what fu**ing props???? piss poor effort........and where did you get it all??? 2 truck loads and all you have is 21 sh*t guns and a dummy water bottl??? give me a break......
Why not close your doors and light a bomb??? do us all a favour...........and and save your time replying to ME........I wont get your sad story to read.......it will be delted before I get it.......lol"
terryzarzoff@hotmail.com

And this person wonders why we have a "rant". I can't explain it either.

Rollin; the megalomaniac who hates reenactors

Yes, Mr. Mean and nasty, hater of living historians, Action Figure collectors, khakinazis, skinheads, and white people. People are damned funny sometimes. I got this title from a post on one of my favorite sources of information...an internet forum. I doubt this person even knows me. They may well have been the target (or cause) of a rant in which case I'm smiling. If not, chalk it up to collateral damage. Just for fun, I'll tell those of you who this sociopath is and how this all came to be.

I started reenacting in 1981 when I was 13. I feel no need to define myself as still among the living and I don't have a history degree so I prefer the more proletarian term "reenactor". Initially with the Art Obermeyer's 38 Jagers, then GD based at Ft. Knox. Finally, Fred Poddig relented and let me join the LAH at 15. We actually humped to the field, sometimes several miles each way. No minivans or slurpee cups. Pyro was pyro. Artillery simulators are awesome. Panzerschrecks and Bazookas fired styrofoam projectiles powered by model rocket engines. We fought/ played in the rain and snow. Dirt was cool. It made you look "real". We heard horror stories from Civil War reenactors about the political squabbles, fragile egos and rampant insanity that paralyzed many of their events and gave thanks that our hobby was still fun.

ATF got going in 1993. Originally as CNS (Nevermind what that stands for). Then "Anderfront" was chosen during a 20 minute brainstorming session when we were trying to do our first catalog. Too many people knew what CNS meant, and it was deemed unprofessional, even by my standards. A few years later, it was again changed to the English form as I grew weary of having to spell "Anderfront" to each and every person we dealt with. My meanness began around 2000, when I offended some over sensitive types with a rant about German field gray. Abusing customers gave me such a rush that I can't stop. It's like an addiction.

I don't actually hate anyone that I can think of. I do regard some re-enactors as blithering idiots, but this holds true for much of humankind, so I think I'm pretty reasonable to hold that opinion. On the whole, you guys are on par with the general public, even if the male republican crackers are a bit overrepresented. I do listen to opinions that run counter to my own, and am open to changing or modifying them. However, I despise the political correctness or today's society. I prefer the bare naked truth, without a lot of negligée. Hence, my beef about people attempting to draw a line between "reenacting" and "living history". It's like calling a "retard", a "special person". Yes, all of us are special, but some are still retards. It's a fact, not a judgment or a criticism. If being confronted with inconvenient truths offends you, then you have problems that aren't mine to solve.

As for my megalomania, that's not quite the right word. I don't have delusions of grandeur. I'm not an extrovert nor a type A personality. When I get fed up with something or someone, I have the tendency to show it, which in this case means posting it on my website. Most businesses operate with the principle that "the customer is always right". I may be a maverick or a sadist, and I have been called the "Antichrist." (My MP44's serial number is 666 (no shit), but I haven't set the Rottweilers on any priests recently so that's probably just a lucky coincidence.) In any case, dishonesty, pretentiousness and insincerity annoy the hell out of me, so for me to operate that way would run counter to what few principles a monster like myself has. Americans like dirty laundry, so perhaps it's just marketing savvy, but I don't think I'm that clever. Just dumb luck. The result of all this is that I often air opinions or say things in ways that would give many other business owners heart failure. Fortunately for me and this company, my tirades have generally been well received, perhaps because I am simply stating obvious and generally held opinions, but ones which many people are afraid to voice. The only megalomaniacal part here is that I know my company is strong enough to get away with it. Were we smaller and less secure, I might not have taken such chances. But I would have felt better if I did.

In short, the world of late has run on bullshit. And I do not like bullshit. Ask my friends. I'll mail them dead animals, feed them catfood on crackers, put gay porn in their cars, and dead fish in the toilet. But I draw the line with when it comes to poo.

Outofstock.com

The America of the 21st Century is really pathetic. We've become a nation of fat, rude, unappreciative, spoiled whiners who are so accustomed to having our every whim and urge catered to that any denial of our desires can inspire epic shit-fits the likes of which Bobby Knight can't touch. It'd be funny were it not so prevalent and indicative of larger problems with our empire...
I'm tickled pinker than Dr. Ruth's birth canal to have been informed by a few scholars of the militaria business, that we are now unofficially known as "Outofstock.com". I'm flattered. What a catchy name! Sadly, that URL is already taken. Anyway, it seems that my decision some years ago, to post availability tables for many of our products has caused intense emotional distress as well as irreparable and permanent damage to the self-esteem of legions of re-enactors. (Most seem to be "paratroopers" but I shall avoid flogging any one group lest I be labeled a racist too.) These tortured souls have failed to understand two important facts:

1. I put the availability information on the site in an effort to keep everyone up to date, not to torment. Imagine the agony of assuming that your hat size was actually in stock, only to be informed hours or even days later that it is not! Sounds like a lawsuit to me. With us, one can simply go to the respective page and see what we have without even having to risk a toll free call. Unlike other companies, I try not to advertise things we don't actually have. I do not want to have a fantasy website.

2. The lack of availability charts (and hence those traumatizing "sold out"s) on most other militaria websites does not mean that they have all items in all sizes in stock all the time. Those companies choose, for one reason or another, not to offer any such information. Not that it makes us better (or worse) because we do, but some guys don't have the time while others have their sites edited and updated by third parties making it expensive to change their site every day. I assumed the charts would be a customer friendly tool.

Yes, it is true that I am a mean and hateful jackass who derives immense pleasure from tormenting my fellow primates, but this was not one of those instances. That I did so inadvertantly does give me a tickle.

Were I truly crafty and more in tune with the tactics of customer manipulation, I would eliminate all mention of stocking status and strive to cultivate an aura of exclusivity by starting a campaign titled "worth the wait". We could even charge more for the same (or lesser quality) products and toot our horn with gushing customer testimonials. Then, having money on long-term loan to us for months (or worse) while you awaited your treasure could become a status symbol. A topic of titillating conversation over a dinner of Chefboy ardee and diet green tea... The longer we kept you waiting, the more envious your friends would be...

The whiners are impossible. They pee their panties if I list an item as "sold out", if I don't update the pages daily, and even if I fail to list items that they want but we have never had in the first place. Please know that my limited command of the English language precludes me from being able to express the depths of my pain that we cannot fulfill your particular flavor of militaria fantasy today...
Psych.
Go dry your taint and put on a new diaper. It's really refreshing and you'll feel better in a jiffy...works for me.

So, I'll wager the whiners. It won't be easy to figure out, but I'll bet that we here at Outofstock.com have a better "in stock" percentage of inventory than anyone else. You geniuses determine a practical way to inventory the other dealers and we'll compare. I'll give you a free case of Boones if I'm wrong.

As for the nasty ones who have taken to calling Gina a liar and cussing her out because their boots* aren't in yet, be aware of a few things:
-If Gina is in a bad mood, then I'm in a bad mood.
-To cheer myself up I like to send roadkill to people. And gay porn. And NAACP memberships.
-It's amazing how easily orders can get lost.
-Gina has been known to accidentally send your invoice to the house rather than to work where your wife won't know about it.
Were it not for jackasses, we wouldn't have rants now would we?

*I changed the boot restock estimates from November to December because I forgot that a disturbing percentage of you don't understand that November has 30 days in it. On the 1st, they call and scream "you lying sons of bitches" when informed that they aren't in yet. The boots are enroute, but it may be the 20th, or the 30th or even December depending on myriad factors. Due to the squalling, I have forbidden ALL future preorders.

WARNING!
This first rant was and is a joke!
It's not true.
OK? Don't pee your pants.
Again.

Grigsby Militaria
Due to an unexpected and completely unwarranted federal investigation by the department of agriculture and the TBI, Eric Grigsby will be temporarily unavailable and unable to access his email or inventory in the near future. His attorney's hope to have the matter resolved quickly. Hopefully within 4-6 weeks he will be able to operate again. Please refer all questions concerning your orders with him to Charlie at 931-537-9165

Notes:
The number is Eric's normal shop number.
Charlie is a story unto himself which we can't share.
Panic ensues...

The necessary follow-up/ antidote....

Grigsby Militaria
is still in business

1. Yes, he's still in business! He's having issues with the morons who host his website. He and his business are very much alive and not in jail. You panicked goat ropers need to take a valium and stop squalling "thief" and "out of business" all over the internet when a vendor's website goes down.

2. Do NOT call us looking for your order with Eric. We don't have any information about your damned helmet! We couldn't help you even if we wanted to. Please refer all questions concerning your orders to
Grigsby Militaria
931-537-9165.
Warning! They are going on vacation from 12-20 March.
No one will be in the shop so don't stroke out again.
No, this is not a joke.

3. Grigsby Militaria consists of Eric and his wife. He doesn't have a full time dedicated phone slave. It is sometimes difficult to reach him. He frequently goes to shows, runs to the store for paint, has to eat lunch and of course, paint helmets. He can't hear the phone when he's in the paint booth! If he doesn't answer the phone, or reply to your email faster than greased lightening, then he's just busy or out of the shop.
The guy is honest. Slow sometimes, but very much legit.

If you just can't wait, this may help. You all have finally nagged enough that we'll give it up. We can't take all the pressure. Just don't tell him that we told you. It's our little secrect. Here's his private "dealer's only" 24/7 helmet service phone number.
Call anytime!
502-454-7613

4. Why on earth would you call another dealer to check on your order anyway?? Who raised these people?
"Duh..hello, LL Bean, yes, umm I placed an order da Sportsman's guide a few weeks ago and I don't have it yet. Could you get it for me. "
WTF????

The Rant
Rant Archive

Garbage Gear

Over the last several years, a large selection of reproduction US field gear has been produced in China, India and Pakistan. Some is available on ebay directly from Asia and other items are offered via online catalogs and Shotgun News. The prices are tempting, but the rest of their attributes are about as attractive as the 50 year hookers working the truckstops on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Yes, from a business perspective, I have good reason to bash my cheaper competition. Not infrequently, we get the wise-ass calls informing us that Rocco was able to find a reproduction cartridge belt for $19 from Meathead Outfitters. Almost as often, Rocco's wife calls back to order one of our belts (or whatever) while he meekly gives her instructions in the background after the $19 wonder-belt blows apart. Many people fail to realize that there are at least half a dozen different manufacturers of this stuff and the quality varies wildly.

If I so desired, I could offer those same products myself but choose not to. Why? Because they suck. It's a convenient truth for us, but it is indeed the truth.

All of the US made US WWII field gear is superior to the cheap crap from Asia. So far as I know, there are three main manufacturers in the USA. ATF (us), AP Co.(usually sold by other dealers but marked "AP Co."), and WWII Impressions. I have not seen the gear offered by the latter, but he is not known for making junk so I suspect it's good. I mentioned the other manufacturers to be fair and try to convey an air of objectivity. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. I'm satisfied with the concept.

What's my beef with the cheap stuff? Can't stand the competition? Hardly.
What makes it so bad?
Although a handful of items are acceptable (we carry 3), nearly every piece I have examined (yes, I buy some of the competition's junk just to verify that it's still junk) has suffered from the same problem. Poor materials. The workmanship is usually good to excellent. Meaning their sewing machine operators can sew straight. However, they do get rather careless when placing and setting eyelets and rivets...

Webbing and Canvas: One manufacturer (Mil-Tec/ Sturm) has a number of items made from nylon webbing, most notably their pistol belts and 10 pockets. That sends them packing without further analysis. The others that do use cotton, or canvas and webbing with some cotton in it, suffer from loosely woven cloth that is usually too thin. This saves money, but results in frequent, often catastrophic failures. It's the primary reason that the eyelets rip out and the straps rip loose from their bindings. Lastly, one smaller manufacturer actually uses hand dyed (dipped?) fabrics which exhibit wild shade variations and it does a good chameleon impression when exposed to sunlight. It's really cool.

Hardware: Even more abominable than the cloth materials is the hardware. The Chinese in particular have an intense desire to conserve metal. Most of their hardware that should be steel or brass is actually copper or tin. To make matters worse, nearly every last piece of hardware, whether it is snaps, grommets, hooks or ball tips is 30-50% thinner than the US made equivalent. (Yes, I checked them with a caliper.) Combined with the softer metals, their performance is abominable. Lastly, namely in regard to eyelets, the imported gear uses almost exclusively the wrong size grommets. Who cares? You should. The narrow flanges and oversized center holes result in them ripping out after even moderate use.

Reproduction Cartridge Belt Comparison
Make	Webbing	Hardware
ATF	100% cotton, shuttle loomed	Original spec, all US made. Scovil, Anchor and Stimpson products.
Mil-Tec	Nylon. No more need be said.	Cheapest possible. Plastic(?) front hooks and wrong size, poorly and incorrectly set eyelets.
Hong Kong	Appears to be cotton. Loose, wrong weave, too thin.	Bizarre pattern pot metal front hook, no inner straps whatsoever, poor quality press studs and sloppily set, wrong size eyelets.
What's my hang-up on eyelets? The eyelets on cartridge and pistol belts must be the correct size, type and be set properly in the right location(s). Why? Because suspenders, shovel carriers, canteen covers, etc, etc, must be able to fit and the eyelets must be able to support the weight and survive the rigors of running about the forest. Buy one and you'll likely find out what I'm talking about the first time you use it. The cheap belts usually retail for $35-45 depending on the vendor. Both are offered from multiple companies. There are several other, even more awful, repros available, some as low as $20. Ours are $100 but considering the lot-lizard belts will last about one event, you can do some quick math and see what sort of savings they really are.

Yes, we have some stuff made in China too. We are currently working on Leggings and Haversacks with our Chinese contractor. Both items require so much labor time that they are excessively expensive to produce in the USA. We are going to purchase the hardware from Scovil and Stimpson, and have it shipped to the factory overseas. The canvas is being contracted here by a canvas company that knows their stuff, and made in China (the US plants are KIA), and made to the correct specifications. Some of the foreign companies can produce damned good products, but it's a lot of work and oversight to get it done right.

The Garbage Gear is acceptable in some circumstances. Garbage Gear should hold up for static displays where it won't be disturbed. Undead Historians who like to reenact with empty ammunition pouches and canteens and backpacks filled with nothing heavier than Twinkies and styrofoam blocks should be OK. So long as you don't move suddenly (like run or fall down) or attempt to do anything strenuous (like low crawling) it will probably last for awhile.

Go ahead, prove me wrong: If you think I'm simply spewing propaganda in an attempt improve our flagging sales, then I urge you to prove me a liar and waste some loot on the garbage gear. 90% of the time, an item that is priced 50% less than another is cheaper for good reason. In this case, the savings will end up costing you in the end...

Smokin' in the Boys Room

Wouldn't it be a nice change, albeit a shock, if a public figure simply fessed up and admitted their responsibility when they screwed up? Lying poorly has become standard procedure. Repercussions are minimal, unless you happen to lie to a grand jury. And these weasels wonder why nobody believes a damned thing they say anymore.

Politicians have always been suspect. Granted, to varying degrees, bullshitting goes with the territory. However, during the last 20 years, the quality of the bullshitting has dropped dramatically. In the past, most public figures at least made an attempt to make up a semi-believable cock and bull tale to cover their arse. There was a tacit admission on their part that they were not smarter than everyone else in the nation. Nowadays, they don't even do the public that courtesy. There's no plausible deniability. We are expected to believe whatever they tell us, simply because they say so.
Like preachers.

What do you suppose would have happened if Clinton had simply stood up and said, "yea, I took her for a desk ride", instead of all that parsing of the word "sex". It would have blown over far more quickly. I might have voted for the dude just because he acknowledged that I'm not that stupid. He’d still lose points for his poor choice in women, but being honest would have been brownie points. Had Bush or Rumsfeld admitted in '05 or '06, that they "screwed the pooch", and then proceeded to lay out their plan on how to remove their wieners from Fido the Iraqi wonder dog, their jobs would have been so much easier. And more troops might be alive. But no, they simply took Goebbel's motto. "A lie told often enough eventually becomes the truth." Too bad for Ted Haggard, nobody bought the part about just delivering meth to his man-friend.

Where did this trend of poor quality lying originate? I think it started with the church leaders. Denying the obvious sure did a lot of good for Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, and Cardinal Law. Admit the obvious? No. Deny, deny, deny. Then the "me generation" (read: “anyone's fault but mine generation“) decided to try their luck with the routine. Despite its abysmal track record, politicians, entertainers and athletes persist in trying to utilize this tactic. Why is a mystery to me. Has it ever worked? Besides O.J.?

There are exceptions to this. If you're Senator Craig, it's OK to lie. Any guy caught cruising to smoke pony in a men’s room should lie their ass off and pray God gives you a hall pass and makes the entire population of planet Earth momentarily brain dead. Even if you aren't a "family values" kinda guy, having the public discover that you get your rocks off slithering around on the floor of public toilets to milk chicken is downright embarrassing...

Why doesn't just one public figure tell their pollsters and media consultants to go to hell and play the honesty card. The shock value alone would guarantee weeks of free air time. Instead of "I don't recall", try "yes I did." Instead of "what do you mean by "relationship"?" try "what would you have done if you were married to Hillary?”

And, when things go to hell in a handbasket, and it’s painfully clear to even the dumbest of hillbillies, just admit that you were wrong, take responsibility for a bad decision, and get on with trying to solve it. Denying that an obvious problem exists will only make things worse. And you probably won't get reelected anyway.
If the concept of honesty is good enough to teach our kids, why isn't it good enough for the leaders of the our country?

All Inclusive Reenacting

I finally remembered to get around to this beef. The "East meets West" fad in reenacting scenarios. I understand, some promoters feel this is a good way to maximize their attendance, but this is not the way to do it. From a historical point of view, it's accurate only to a point as it occurred in the last few weeks of the War. Granted, it is more notable than portraying the British Freekorps, but it was a minimal event. From a practical point, there are so few Russian reenactors as to make the whole exercise pointless. Furthermore, it may actually hurt the few Eastern Front events that actually do occur. If you want everyone to come, take inspiration from Las Vegas. Toss out the mafia, and make it a family affair. Open the gates to the Civil and Rev War reenactors, Trekkies, the Society for Creative Antagonism, and Gulf War reenactors. And don't forget the buffet.

We seriously need more Russians. It's a cool (and cheap) impression. Dan Welch tried for many years to breathe life into the starving horse, but Russian reenacting still struggles to do more than lift it's head and fart. And the Red Army did have paratroopers....

Stamp It!

Apparently this topic is in need of a rehash. Periodically we get beseeched, lambasted or cursed by collectors who insist that we need to stamp "reproduction" prominently on all of our products because "one of their buddies" got burned. I put "one of their buddies" in parentheses because I suspect it was they themselves who got singed but they're too embarrassed to admit it. Anyway, the answer is "no". Was, is, and always will be "no". Why? Although this may seem nonsensical to the novice enthusiast, there two simple reasons for this.

One, money. The word "reproduction" or "fake", even on a small label would ruffle the feathers of many undead historians. It would impugn their sense reality and cause their time-warp to malfunction. Just knowing that the label in your jump trousers said "reproduction" would be like having a case of crabs. Many of our items are essentially marked as "fakes". The names ATF, Kirkman or Crawford are not original WWII manufacturers. Markings are like icing on cakes. Many people adore them. A mediocre reproduction with beautiful markings will outsell a perfect copy which is devoid of them.

The second reason is that it would promote ignorance. Although many of our products are of excellent quality and accuracy, most are readily distinguished from originals...if you have spent some time to learn about and examine originals. I know, educating oneself is an anathema to today's Americans because it involves effort (AKA work) and no one can do it for you. If you want to collect anything, it is your responsibility to familiarize yourself with whatever it is you want to sink your money into.

Most of our customers prefer realistic markings for reasons of aesthetics rather than as an aid to perpetrate fraud. Those who are intent on screwing others will not be stopped by a label. Conversely, if the neophytes got it in their heads that all reproductions are marked as such, think how much easier they'd be to screw...should we stamp originals..."original"?

Fluffy the Farb

Occasionally I become bored or inebriated enough to browse some of the living history (AKA Reenacting) forums and message boards. What I have gleaned from the blather is it's obvious that this nation is in trouble. In the same way that the "news media" is too enthralled with Paris Hilton's stint in the can or the paternity of a dead gold-digger's kid to report on world events of actual importance. The as yet undead historian's have not failed to be infected by such priority-dyslexia.

One that best illustrates my point, was a well written and amusing critique about one of the repro German helmets made in India. The majority of the focus concerned all that was irrelevant...at least to old school jerks like myself. The packaging was discussed in great detail...the fact that the paint had a good finish and didn't appear to have any blemishes or imperfections...but there was a loose rivet (split pin) that the guy was able to avoid chipping the paint on when he tightened it. How about more prescient concerns? Such as, did it fit? Does it compare well with the real thing? Is it made properly?

Earth to the undead historians; WTF do you think will happen to the paint the first time you take this into "combat"? Many people now expect military uniforms and gear to meet the same standards that the Rolls Royce restorer uses to inspect the new dash insert he received for his Corniche Convertible. Then these same brandy and caviar connoisseurs pay the helmet restorers hundred of dollars to "age" their Rolls Royce skull caps. We can actually charge extra to beat on Fluffy's precious helmet..to make it look used. But if there's a chip in the paint when he first receives the thing...watch out. I used to regard myself as nuts... but I've been outclassed.

The quest to "look real" is a constant one in this weird little world of undead history. But like the Walrus epidemic sweeping the nation, the solution is maddeningly simple. In the rare instance when I still dress up to bust caps and "relive history", I still get pestered about why it is that I look so "real". They shake their heads when I simply tell them to strive to look like shit. I was a soldier at one time. In the field, you don't care about the shine on your boots, the creases in your trousers or whether or not the paint on your helmet has a damned chip in it. The only thing I wash is my undershirt (I don't wear underwear...freeballing in wool pants is invigorating). My pants are torn and patched, my MP40 has hardly any bluing, my helmet cover is frayed, my cap is mashed from being stored in my helmet liner, my boots are comfortable but have seen better days, my canteen cup is still somewhere in the woods at Pioneer OH, and my E-tool is caked in mud. But my bayonet is sharper than a Gerber, I have spare socks, plenty of water, a cleaning kit, and extra ammo. I don't smell as bad as I look. The guys who do the Marine impressions at the Reading airshow have what basically amounts to groupies. Other reenactors fawning over how real they look. Tip: You can look filthy too. Soot + olive oil makes great sweat stains.

You can't "be there", the War is long over (yes, I'm sure) and most of you aren't German. However, one can at least try his best to play the roll decently. Keep yourself in shape, wear and learn your uniform, and get dirty. Yourself. It won't take long, if you actually go out and play. If you just want to stand by the display and impress the chicks sipping Gatorade...well, get out the rocks and the cold blue...or your wallet.

I found a nice recipe on the Columbia, Ky Forum. I thought it appropriate to share this regional culinary treasure with our customers. Irrelevant but informative.

Deep Fried Cat

First, decide whether you want to fry a dead cat or a live one. Each approach requires a drastically different approach, however, the ingredients are pretty much the same.

1 clove garlic
2 sprigs of fresh thyme
1 twig from a dogwood tree
2 twigs from a pussy willow
A dash of paprika
A splash of grain alcohol
1 box of Altoids
A pinch of salt
5 gallons olive oil

I, for one, favor using very few spices. After all, if you are going to cook cat, why mask the delicate flavor? For the true cat afficianado, I recommend cat sushi or pussy sashimi. Yummm! But if your heart is set on deep fried cat, read on.

The list of ingredients is very simple, as you can see, but the appartaus required can be daunting!

1 three foot by three roll galvanized wire
tin snips
1 pair elbow length heavy duty rubber gloves
eye goggles
ear plugs or ear muffs
Clear acrylic face shield
Leather apron
Apple corer
large forceps
large rubber mallet
stainless steel cable

Whether you are preparing a live cat or a dead one, the first step is the same: removing the naughty bits. Use the apple corer to do this. Hold the cat upside down by the tail and carefully remove all the naughty bits. Set aside in a bowl.

Bring the olive oil to a boil. Rat the box of Altoids and take a deep breath because if your cat is alive, the kitchen is going to be a very noisy place!

Wrap the cat in the wire and trim off the excess wire with the tin snips. Form into a round ball by beating with the rubber mallet. Tie the steel cable to wire ball containing the cat and slowly lower into the vat of boiling olive oil.

It's been said for a long time that honesty is the best policy. Nobody's perfect, but when it's the best one to follow when it comes to ordering from us. Almost every day, we have some sort of peculiarity crop up where the customer lies their ass off hoping that we'll correct the problem of their own making. Tip: Even if it goes against our stated return and exchange policies, we will often make exceptions. But this depends on the honesty and the jerk-off factors. If you tick off Gina or Rollin, it's over. How to do this? The A number one way you can accomplish this task is to claim that we "told you to". Categorically, if you have done one or more of the following and are considering blaming us for personally recommending that you do so, think again:

1.Ordered the wrong size. We are adamant that you do NOT try to second guess us and order a coat that 3 sizes larger than what you normally wear. If you wear a 36R, but think we're too dumb to make it oversized...and you order a 48L...your brain malfunction is not our fault.
2. Washed your uniform and want to return it because it didn't shrink enough. After my first nasty experience with cotton in 2000, we oversize everything about 10%. But if the pants you ordered fit like overalls, then you need to exchange them for a smaller size. The shrinkage is slight. About 1". Not 6.
3. Bleached anything. Go ahead. Just try telling Gina that she told you to bleach your stuff. And keep licking the windows while you're at it.
4. Claim that "Rollin" told you anything. Rollin doesn't do orders. He rarely hangs around the table at shows. He is the worst salesman in the world, as when he does happen to be around, he'll send you off to someone else's table who has a better deal. And he does not dye boots, tell a 140 pound guy that he looks great in that XXL, promise that MP40 blank adapters work great on Garands, or urge you to invoke his name when calling the shop for great deals.
5. Make shit up. If you are too embarrassed to tell us that your wife sat on your helmet and crushed it, at least make up a believable scenario. It didn't "just collapse" like a cake with no yeast. We can see the cellulite dimples in the thing! Tell us that it was your Mother-in-law.

I have been wrong. One guy returned some German boots with shriveled and fossilized soles claiming that they "just did this" when they dried out after getting wet in grass. I was wrong when I said it was obvious that he had dried them out next to a fire. In reality, he had put them in a dryer. Just when you think you've seen it all...

If it's obvious that you are telling us tall tales about what really happened, more than likely we aren't going to give you a freebie. If the truth is really funny, or extremely sad, and I am entertained, I may meet you in the middle on the deal. If it's so twisted or insane as to make good rant material, it may make you famous. Everybody has their "Special" days. Those days when you do things that you knew were stupid, but the little voices in your head persuaded you to do anyway.

It's OK. I understand. But I don't ask people to pay me when I do something retarded.

This game has gone on since we started this business in 1993, but lately it's being taken to new highs (or lows depending on your perspective.) It goes like this. Oberfuhrer McFly wants an Oberbumsenfuhrer Cap in size 62 with brown piping, or perhaps a BOB outfit in a 49 extra short. (The majority of McFly demands are for U-Boat commander outfits. Is there a meaning to this?) He checks the website or calls, and is informed that said item is sold out or that we do not have it or we have never had said item in the first place. He is told that "sold out" means that no, we really, honestly, do not have any of said item: Not anywhere in the building, not at home, not buried with the dead coeds in my Mom's backyard nor in the trunk of Gina's '78 Berlinetta. Not to be deterred, McFly places an online order for said item anyway. If we don't have said item listed, McFly makes up a price for us and types it in. Just to be helpful...

The new twist for 2007 is this: In previous times, McFly might submit the order every day for a month, hoping I would rub my thigh and make said item magically appear. In McFly's world, "I ordered it" equals "it will come." Sounds like some cheesy line from a Kevin Costner movie. In 2007, the McFly's of the universe are taking the proactive approach and have resorted to verbal abuse. Yelling. Calling the staff here bad names. Threatening Better Business Bureau action if we fail to deliver their U-Boat uniform.

Now, you retards may not know me, but I love this sort of thing. It gives me inspiration to write rants, which makes you mad, which makes me very happy. I like happy. Happy is good.
After all, all work and no play does makes Jack a dull boy....
Why is Gina locking herself in the bathroom?

Anyway, I want to thank these window lickers for providing me with new material. Keep it coming. I still have no plans to make U-Boat or SA uniforms, but you guys are so absurd as to be entertaining.

Note: This is not to knock people who call and ask about items they can't find on the site or even those who don't comprehend "sold out" very well. It's for those who, despite being told the honest truth (i.e.: "we don't have any of those" or "they are ALL gone") proceed to break down and have a hissy fit and act like spoiled brats who need their Ritalin or an encounter with the Daddies belt. Yes, adult men do such things more than we ever expected.

I know Rollin!
Every year after the Gap or Reading, Gina gets harassed by my new buddies. Tip: the fastest way to send her into orbit is to call her up and explain to her that since you met/spoke with/looked at Rollin at "the event" you are now entitled to special deals, free stuff or simply have no use for her and need to deal with me directly. I'm not sure who she loves more; "friends of Rollin" or the guys who feel compelled to spell "Smith", "street" and "lane" for her. Yes, in some cases I do tell certain customers to specifically call and tell Gina they spoke to me and ask her for/ about such and such. But I usually tell her this ahead of time and it is once or twice per event and 9 times out of 10 it involves an exchange. So, try the "I know Rollin" angle at your own peril.

Second, we have had three recent incidents with visitors to the shop. It never fails, each time we permit people to dig around, they invariably make a beeline for the corner office or my office. The items in those offices are samples: both originals and reproductions. When told that those items are not for sale, instead of simply accepting the fact, they become enraged and have a fit. Sorry, but some things I am not selling. They behave as though we've just screwed them over and raped their cat. Having a tantrum won't change things. And it's embarrassing. When I am done with such items, they are listed on the website or taken to a show. Then they will be clearly listed as "for sale" with price tags. I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to handle this one. Just another case of my megalomaniac self, hating reenactors....

Lastly, I don't take orders or do customer service. Yes, Gina does screen my calls. It's just another aspect of my megalomania but there is a practical reason behind my inaccessibility. Every time I have agreed to speak to someone, that person demands to deal with me directly, always and forever. It quickly translates into my work day being extended by several hours with people who want to talk shop.
Or the decline of reenacting in Ohio.
Or roadkill.
Or where's Grigsby?
Or gay porn.
I simply can't do it.
Naturally, the best way to reach me is to harangue Gina about how important you are and tell us that me not taking your call will be one of the great regrets of my life. If you explain to her what it is that you want, I might do it. Maybe not. But your chances increase from zilch to a snowball's chance in hell. If you have something that honestly needs my attention and no one else can help you with it there are two ways to have me deal with it.
1. Call and explain it to Gina and she will ask me.
2. Send an email to my attention.

I've tried being more accessible in the past and it took up so much time that I couldn't get anything done. Plus, remaining aloof and mysterious fluffs my self esteem..

Answers to recent questions, comments and meathead requests.

Yes, hats do come in different sizes.

When ordering an impression, we do kind of need to know which one. (US or German would be a start...)

No, your waist size does not help us with your shoe size. Likewise, shoe size doesn't help us determine your hat size.

No, shipping isn't free.

No, we can't call you back before 8 am to take your order for a scarf.

If you place an online order on Friday night, and your package doesn't arrive on Saturday, so you place the same order again, on Saturday, and when it isn't there at 9 am Sunday, and you place the order again, and when still no luck Monday at sunrise you place it yet again...yes indeed, your ass will indeed be getting four boxes. Hint: ATF and UPS don't work on Saturdays and Sundays.

No, we won't search the internet and every other vendor for you to tell you where you find everything on your militaria wish list.

It's wonderful that your Grandpa was in WWII. But in order to re-create his uniform we need a little more info than..."my Grandpa was in the War." If he's still alive, ask him. Not us!

Today in the Stall in the Mall
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump.
I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny squeek that Big Things would be happening soon.
Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife.
I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming,"Everything Must Go!"
This was prophetic, for my back side informed me with a sudden violent cramp that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the six stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 6 for your convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. Poo smeared on seat.
4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door.
ringing phone.......
As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB's louder than it needed to be.
Out of Shy, Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The insane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh@#ter was blathering to Mrs. Sh!@ter about the crappy day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish.
As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about it in public.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a baratone burst of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. All in the pentatonic scale of D#.
Once my my anthem was mute, three things became apparent:
1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come;and
3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, putrid stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened.
The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my chatty poop-mate.
This initial blast had ended his conversation in mid-sentence."Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then,"No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth.
I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot.
All I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my symphony:"Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it...tell the kids... love them... oh God..."followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do.
A final drum roll announcement came trumpeting from my behind, that must have been the last straw.
I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the stall door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I exited my stall.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to crap in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

FYI: When you guys call us to order while you're sitting on the toilet...Gina can tell.
And she likes to talk about it...

Every morning and every evening, before 10 and after 7, there is a panic. Despite clearly posted hours and years of consistently not deviating from them, dozens of people call...and call and call and call and call. We have counted up to 55 rings on for one stubborn individual. I still love the ones at 2 am (once in awhile we're here making porn or reading Taro cards). I have answered a couple, just for fun, and without fail, it's "Oh, did I wake anybody up? I didn't mean to. But I wanted to check on my belt buckle order." These nuts obviously assume that the phone number is for a house...and the hell they didn't "mean to wake anybody up." Then what the f*ck were you doing calling somebody at 2 am??? Were you people raised in a barn or the Hilton residence?

We are open nine hours every day. That's plenty. We are here at other times, but we have to have some down time to finish paper work, pack orders, clean out the coffee pot, put the Chinamen to bed, post on the Goth Girl blog and molest small animals. Gina thinks we're disgusting but she just doesn't realize what she's missing. Anyway, we keep our hours pretty well. If these hours are simply too inconvenient for you, you don't have email, and you wish to place or inquire about an order at 3:30 am, on holidays or weekends, here's my personal cell phone number 888-843-4564. I really don't mind being woken up to discuss the finer points of what LT. Spears was wearing in Band of Brothers. Call me anytime...

Some people have suggested an answering machine. We've tried that one but despite a crystal clear message that we do not return calls, every knucklehead leaves a 20 minute dissertation about how great their uniform looks on their dog and could we make Cujo a pistol belt. Finally the infernal machine started transferring calls to other numbers in Adair County. We never have been able to corner those gremlins, so we usually don't have an answering machine. Why don't we return calls? Because 98% of the morons demanded that we call them back...after hours. We have a toll free number, answered 9 hours per day (Friday only 6 hours), five days per week. Then we do shows and reenactments as well. That's enough. If you want to chat after hours or on Christmas Day, send us an email. Easy.

I give up. I surrender. There's no point fighting reality or struggling against the current anymore. I don't know why in the hell we even bother. There is one and only one authenticity standard that our products must meet.
Band of Brothers.
Unless it's really cheap. Then anything goes.

Not so long ago, authenticity was paramount. The idea was to duplicate or imitate the original (wartime..1939-1945) item as closely as possible. Albeit in jumbo sizes. All one needs now to be an overnight historian is a DVD player and a BOB box set. Presto! Historian extraordinare. I guess this is the lazy, instant gratification generation's maximum value for minimum effort concept in action. I've finally thrown in the towel and ordered my own box set of the Historian's Bible on DVD. I will immediately purge all original WWII samples from my office, to reduce the risk of making any more erroneous products. I apologize for insulting the legions of BOB historians with whom I have dared to argue or insinuate that BOB is not the most perfect and divine representation of authenticity in the entire history of the universe. As for referring to some of them using such monstrous and nefarious terms as "Needledickthebugfucker" or God forbid..."Farbs" I apologize. I must have been crazier than a shithouse rat.

In honor of the BOB Legionnaires, I will be carefully viewing all episodes frame by frame, with special attention paid to Lt. Spears since he is apparently the most lusted after character. (I think they call it "having groupies" or something. Not that there's anything wrong with men lusting after...men. At least it's not goddamned dolls this time.) All of our products will be reviewed and compared to the TV monitor for accuracy and certified as "Miniseries Serviceable". Any field jackets that aren't brown, garrison caps that aren't rectangular, and helmets without spades will be shipped to the Brausebad at Birkenau for "Sonderbehandlung" to eliminate any risk of them getting loose and inhibiting anyone's effort to get into character. But before you try to slide into Matt Settles, you might want to ask his permission, lest he waste your groupie ass with his Thompson.

However, please, so as not to delude your idiot selves any further, please change the name of the hobby and the organizations from anything using the term "WWII" since you aren't interested in warfare, honoring veterans, reliving history or even busting caps. Having dreams of becoming a starlet is on another plain entirely. Try something less deceiving and more honest. Like "Moviestar Wannabe Federation", "Reenacting Klan of Miniseries", or "HBO Conventioneers". Using the sacred phrase, Band of Brothers, might not honor it properly. Secondly, you guys don't want to restrict yourselves, should the trend ever end and it suddenly become fashionable to dress up like Pug Henry, Theodore Cleaver, Sgt. Saunders, Kunta Kinte, Starbuck, or if you're whitebread and a little portly, Captain James T. Kirk.

We have also realized, that cheaper is always better, irregardless of quality. This is somewhat understandable, since the newer generation seems to have an aversion to dirt, sweat, and exertion in general, so the only trauma any product need be able to withstand is a Maytag. It's like the previously hyper-anal-authentic Fallschirmjagers, "We require nothing less than the best! If it's not exact, our unit guru will never approve it."
"Shitty antique brass YKK zippers? Wrong camo pattern? Bleach white interior? $79? No Problem!"

We will be introducing $19 "pleather" jump boots, lightweight plastic helmets to reduce shoulder injuries (we don't need any more lawsuits), and $50 German uniforms made from breathable green felt. Cheap 10 pocket belts are no longer a problem, since empty canteens don't weigh enough to pull the chintzy grommets out. (Canteens are now "deco only" due to their lack of capacity and the fact that they need to be washed after being filled with sweet tea or Dr. Pepper.). Now how to enlarge the Musette Bag enough to handle the case of Mountain Dew, 120 oz. of chip-dip, 4 cases of little Debbies, a camelpack and a mini-DVD player (for authenticity inspections) is presenting a real dilemma...khaki spandex?

Ebay and the Peepa Dealers

Although I should know better, I am still shocked by the continued operation and patronizing of dealers that I think are so blatantly fraudulent that no one in their right mind could miss their subterfuge. Despite red flags waving by the dozen, suckers and others who believe in the essential goodness of man line up to throw their money into the pit. I guess before I proceed, I should define that non-word in the title. "Peepa" was brought to us by Thomas. Thomas returned from Europe a few years ago babbling about peepa this and peepa that. As he told it, "peepa" was Greek slang of some sort for fellatio (that's a blowjob for you dropout folks). Eventually, "peepa" became standard slang around here for "fraud" or "fake". It can be used as noun, an adjective or a verb. One can sell peepa, something can be peepa and someone or something can be peepaed. It's nearly as ubiquitous as the shorter, more common version of "fornicate". Anyway, Peepa Dealers are the full time scoundrels that make a living selling fakes and altered militaria as original. Now that that is out of the way...

Why in name of all things holy and cursed do people give these jerk-offs money???? Jesus Christ on a crutch! I didn't know they made people so stupid anymore. Perhaps young and dumb comes into play here. Maybe the bidders are 14 and mildly special. Or 40 and completely retarded. For general information (Special-ed) and entertainment here's a primer to help you new guys and old bain-damaged types avoid being sodomized on ebay when shopping for supposedly original or authentic militaria.

Return Policy: First and foremost. Above all else. This applies to all dealers online or otherwise. Do they have a return policy? Meaning, do they offer your money back if you are not satisfied? Reputable dealers, in other words, honest ones, rarely have a problem with their customers wishing to seek second opinions. If they are certain the item is NOT a fake, they should be confidant that it will not be returned. If a goat roper states "all sales are final" or "no returns", do NOT deal with them. Why are they final? They know that upon actual physical inspection the item is likely to be detected as a fake. Simple. They are lying and know they'll get caught. But at least they get to keep your money. The guys with "24 hour" or "3 day" return policies should be viewed with equal suspicion. They know that it will likely take that long for delivery, which amounts to a policy of "no returns".

If they do not mention a return policy, ask! Either they overlooked that section when they wrote their auction, or they don't want to tell you that they will not give you a refund. Truly reputable militaria dealers, and there are quite a few who do this, will offer lifetime guarantees as it relates to the authenticity of an item. If you decide or determine an item to be a fake 3 years after purchase, they'll still take it back. That is not as good as carbon dating, but at least you won't get burned.

Feedback: I've been browsing the feedback of some of the more blatant Peepa Dealers. Most have some measure of skill and manage to sell enough genuine items or to persuade their victims of their veracity so that they have only 5-10 negatives. But even one negative for "selling copy as original" should raise your eyebrows. I noticed a different tone and tack in the replies of the Peepa Dealers as opposed to the honest dealer wrongly accused. The Peepa Dealers rarely address the issue; their own honesty. In reply to
"sold me fake as original will not refund money" they usually counter with "deadbeat bidder, MORON, Sellers Beware, LIAR etc". The shrill, kindergarten name calling is indicative.

Private Auctions: I love this shit. Almost every one of the Peepa Dealers I have followed eventually discovers this tool. I understand why some sellers use private auctions, but I still do not agree with them. (Not all sellers who use them are dishonest. OK?) However, most dealers in fraud DO use them. Why? They claim it is to prevent other dealers from offering the bidders a similar item at a better price. (They tend to use one another's ideas.) In reality, it prevents good Samaritan types from contacting the neophyte bidders and warning the unwary about the bulging, splinter covered wooden phallus headed for their rectum. If only the seller's ID could be "private". Their wet dream....

Photos: Study them closely. There was a Sturm FJ smock running early in December described as "not an atf" and "in a collection from the 1960's". Anyone with half a noodle when it comes to FJ gear could see that it was made from Splinter A camo (the Luftwaffe used Splinter B) and even provided a closeup of the super-sexy antique brass YKK zippers. Although the auction was "private", it appears that the buyer figured it out anyway. Although declared a "NUT", it appears he didn't lose his money. If the photo looks like fish, it probably smells like fish. Moreover, if there is no photo at all, consider that a bad omen and look elsewhere.

The Description: If the description says everything but "original", it's a fake. Time and time again I see this routine. "Mint condition, just a bit of storage dirt, does not blacklight, found at the yard sale of a vet's daughter, will look nice in your collection, and conforms to examples in reference books. All sales final." Classic. In this case, take note of what they don't say. I have yet to see one of these never-said-it-was-real weasels offer a return policy. One of them claims items may be returned only if they have been "grossly misrepresented" (in the description)...but goes on to say that this has "nothing to do with authenticity". I'm still trying to figure that one out. Bottomline, while they strongly imply that the item is authentic, they avoid stating it. Regardless, honest sellers will have no hesitation to clearly describe their wares as either "original" or "reproduction". When they refuse to say either, it's a fake and they're a Peepa Dealer. Simple. This is not to say that all items that are described as "original" are indeed authentic. But, since things on Ebay are in writing (as opposed to the oral promises at shows) the Peepa Dealers often strive to leave themselves an escape hatch in case of a "bust".

Dear Peepa Dealers: If some of this text sounds familiar, maybe it should. If you want to cry "slander", good luck. In order to be "slander" it must be untrue. What has been stated here are common sense concepts and facts that you yourself use to profit from those who lack a good grasp of them. Feel free to get pissy and email me your protests but I'll post every exchange here in the open just to keep things on the up and up. Then we can examine some of your descriptions verbatim and have some lessons in semantics. Words of experience. Being 100% honest with your customers will ultimately make you a lot more money than being a Peepa Dealer. True, a new sucker is born every minute, but even most of them learn eventually. Being able to attract any militaria customers, not just the odd sucker, will ultimately be far more profitable.

Who are the Peepa Dealers? They're everywhere. I will NOT name them, for a multitude of reasons. They aren't too hard to find. Just exercise some common sense and above all, educate yourself about the area of collecting you are interested in. More basic, common sense info is on the war on fraud page.

Fair Question: Why don't we offer lifetime returns?
We do, on original items as relating to their originality. If you have a receipt, and feel the item is not what we claimed, we'll take the return at the original price, in the same condition as we sold it. Granted, as 95% of our products are reproductions, this may seem trivial, but it's not. I'm very, very cautious in what I buy as "authentic" and I have only been totally burned once. On M44 tunics. But damn they were good!

Our reproductions have a 10 day return policy. Why? At one time, it was 30 days, but we developed a problem with "renters" and dealers. Renters would wear the stuff to 2 events, then claim the pants were too small and return the whole impression. Dirty. The dealers would hit a couple of shows trying to make money on the stuff, and when they failed to sell at a profit, return everything. Their price tags still attached. 10 days is plenty of time to try stuff on...

Made in USA/ the Fatherland vs. China

There have been a spat of coronaries lately over Chinese manufactured products. The inspiration for the wave of heart disease was Sturm's being compelled to change the labels in their German uniforms, but it is symptomatic of several misconceptions regarding our trade deficit with Asia. Here's some important facts.
"Made in Germany" was never true. Not in the last 5-10 years anyway. For the past 2 years, the wool uniforms contracted by Sturm, sported "Made in Germany" labels. Apparently, German customs regulations are not nearly as stringent (anal) as those of the US. The uniforms were made in China, shipped to Germany, then shipped to the US. They never were made in the Fatherland...despite being touted as such by numerous vendors. Last year, US Customs took notice and stopped this.

" I want German made wool/ uniforms." Fine, fork over $350-500. (The unspoken detail is that the price is expected to be $150.) The average cost per labor hour in the US is $15. That figure includes wages, plus worker's comp, and withholding taxes. In Germany, due to the heavy burden of their social welfare programs, the rate is nearly double. About $28. A German tunic takes around 6 hours to assemble. Thus, the labor cost to make one, is about $90 in the USA and $168 in Germany. US wool is about $15 per yard, if you buy 1,000 yards. Germany, it's about $25 per yard, if the mill is still in business. A tunic requires 2.5 yards. Therefore, the total cost of production of a German wool tunic is about $127 in the US or $230 in Germany. No bullshit.
In China, the average wage in a sewing plant is $50. Per month. That's 31 cents per hour. Wool is slightly cheaper than in the US, resulting in an initial cost to the factory, of about $30.
$30 vs. $127 vs. $230.
Why aren't the Chinese tunics $50 then??? Markups (x3), plus duties, freight and quota fees. The result is still an item of similar or sometimes superior quality for about one half the price.

This scenario is applicable across the board. The reason we are able to compete to some degree on field gear, is the relatively short labor time most of it requires. Materials seem to be about 30% cheaper in China (except leather, which seems nearly constant worldwide) and labor is basically nil. The more complex, hence labor-intensive, the item, the lower our ability to compete. So, for the whiners who just don't understand why our US assault vests, cartridge belts and 782 packs are over $100, this is why. You're welcome to sit down and make one for us and show us how it's done for $3 labor. Go for it!

On this note, the US company that made all of our cotton HBT was purchased by a company from India in January. The new owners promptly closed the mill that made the material. Thus, all future HBT fabric will have to be imported from India or China. Not acceptable? Wear originals. This was the last US mill that could do HBT fabric. Sorry...

Did you guys ship my stuff?
I ordered it yesterday and I gotta have a tracking number!
It's for the fashion show at the Gap!

First and foremost, 95-100% of each day's domestic (shipped within the USA) orders are getting shipped the same day they are placed (so long as they are paid for). In other words, we are NOT behind on shipping as was the case in previous years. We have gotten rather efficient in our old age. As we are not computerized and likely will not be so in the next 3 weeks (or years), we cannot instantly provide you with tracking numbers. Your order record must be dug out of the files which may require 15-20 minutes of scrounging. We tend to ship orders faster than we file the invoices. This week, the tracking number requests have become absolutely ridiculous. Perhaps these customers had never dealt with us and suspected we were lying when Gina told them that it would ship "today". Maybe they fear we'll neglect to remember that the Gap is in less than 6 weeks.
Here are some recommendations and solutions:

1. If it is mission critical that you are promptly informed that your toque has been shipped and we didn't rip you off and spend the money at the Pussycat-a-go-go;
Provide us with your email address, indicate that you wish to be notified and we will enter the info into the UPS computer when we box your order. UPS will then send you confirmation as soon as the package ships.

2. If we do not have your email or you do not have email in the first place, and you call to find your tracking number, please do not feel justified in getting pissy when it requires more than 15 seconds for us to find it. Some companies will kiss your rectum when you act the jackass...but we'll just cut you off. Or sign you up for things you really don't want to find in your mailbox.

3. If you're one of the crackheads who calls every three hours to check on your Gap order, you're an imbecile. Unless you wait until January 19th, 2006 to place an order, I can assure you that it'll make it to you in time for the shindig. If it's for Christmas, we can ship overnight up to the 22nd (of December).

4. Money Orders/ Mail-in Orders: These are a constant source of aggravation. If you use the US Post to send us your payment, there's no guarantee when we'll receive it. Even their "expedited" services are "approximate". Every week we have several people suffering nervous breakdowns when we have not received their envelope after 4-5 days. That's the price of saving money with the USPS. That's why we use UPS. Due to many years of painful and costly experience, we will never ship orders until they are paid.

5. Layaway/ Payment Plans: No. None. Nada. Nix. We have no way to keep track (our office has enough post-it notes on the walls as it is) and from past experience, we know that 50-75% of layaways are never paid for. They simply languish "on hold" for months until we finally notice. If you don't have the money, try saving up. I know that doesn't sit well with the "satisfy me now" mentality of 21st Century Americans, but it worked for our grandparents...
If not, try Action Loans, Easy Money 911, or pawn your kid.

6. Gary. You're a complete and absolute retard. Guys, don't tell your wife that our paratrooper uniforms are only $49...and then ask her to order it for you. You're subterfuge will be discovered as soon as we give her the total. The way this is supposed to work is that you tell her it's $49, then YOU order it, and then, most importantly, YOU intercept the credit card bill before she sees the 3rd digit. Got it? OK, now you can get back to the Teletubbies reunion special.

Stop trying to romance Gina!

This is not a phone sex/ matchmaker line. This should be somewhat obvious, but apparently it's not. We are a business. We only have 2 phone lines. One of them is frequently tied up for 45 minutes or an hour with customers (mostly guys) babbling to Gina about their life stories or beating around the bush trying to ask her out. There's 4 hot guys here to occupy her time and she can't handle any more. She's no spring chicken anyway. Stop getting excited. She's 55 and has the hairiest legs I've seen on a bipedal organism since Planet of the Apes. She's so fat she can't reach them with the razor. She has to butter her hips when she takes a bath so she doesn't get stuck in the tub. She eats so many twinkies that she sweats Crisco. Slippery BBW. Gina doesn't like army crap, it's just her job. If you want to flirt with the help, get to the point, ask them out and quit tying up our damned telephone with babble.
Second. We do not return phone calls. We have a toll free number that is answered 9 hours per day. It was busy? Yeah, it was probably your cousin telling her about his Panther made out of diet coke cans for 4 hours.
Email Etiquette:
1. Use a working email address. If you expect a response that is....
2. A first and last name would be very, very helpful when you want to know where your stuff is. It never fails that the culprits here are Jim, Bill and Bob. "Did you get my order? Cheers, Bob." Foreigners do not get a hall pass either.
3. Use the same email address for all correspondence. You wackos with 6 addresses do yourselves a dis- service.
4. Spell check. Kuts doWn on hour enTertaneMmEnt.
5. DONT TYPE IN CAPS. ITS IGNORANT AND ANNOYING.
6. Do not send 4MB of pictures and attachments. Our server deletes most anything over 50K. We won't receive it. Thank the pimple faced goo-covered-finger virus writing jerk-offs.
7. No novels please. Get to the point. We have about 60-75 emails per day to reply to. When you send us a 3,000 word epic, it usually gets shelved until late in the day. Or the next.

The Sticky Fingered-Pimple Faced Filth
Have Struck Again

Thanks to the virus writing skills of another useless waste of organic matter, we are having computer problems again. Hence, website updates and ebay responses will be curtailed while we have our PC cleaned out. If you are the proud parent of one of these little geniuses, please consider euthanasia. Unable to do the job yourself? Not a problem. Contact me and I'll gladly gut and filet the putrid fruits of your loins. OK?
Yes, the phone still works.

Part II
For the unpteenth time. NO ATTACHMENTS! We still have people getting pissy and mortally offended because we haven't replied with the desired information or cooed properly about the 5MB photo of their great grandpa's civil war flak helmet they giddily emailed us. For reasons that should be painlessly obvious to all but the severely retarded (aka "really special") we have shrewdly configured our email not to accept messages much larger than 50K. Those with attachments or .zip files are deleted automatically. Here's a quick list, just for review:

If you want us to read you email....

1. Do NOT send attachments. That means pictures (aka pics, photos, images) as well as documents. They won't get through.
2. No videos. (.mpeg, .avi, etc)
3. The subject line must have something in it. "About order", "you guys suck", "where's my helmet", "Gina's hot", "return", "order", "nazi stuff", etc, etc will all do. Mention "viag--", "meds", "barely legal", "mortgage", or "penis enlargement" and it's gone. We don't need sex enhancers, they're plenty of local meth facilities so we don't need to order, Gina looks almost 18 when she wears pigtails and her Japanese school girl outfit, we own, and John Holmes was Daniel's cousin.
4. The quick solution to 90% of the special types who insist on sending us pretty pictures; We don't do appraisals and our lab personnel were all killed in a skateboarding mishap so we can no longer offer radio carbon dating, paint or metallurgical analysis.
Thanks.

Part III
The solution for Virus, Worm and Phishing artists.
This is beyond me. It's simple. One of the large corporations (Microsoft?) which has lost millions due to these "pranks", and also has the money and expertise to locate these wankers needs to borrow/hire a few guys from Alpha Spetsnatz. Three would do. (They seem to consume more steroids and be more brutal than our guys.)
Find the first perp. Let's call him Gothvirusmaster69. GVM for short. Locate the residence of the little fag. With cameras rolling, do a dynamic entry, tie up the parents, lock the sister in the closet, toss the puppy in the oven, kick in GVM's bedroom door, pummel the flabby little sodomite with baseball bats, until he gives the requisite confession, and then brand a "V" (Vaccinated) on his forehead. End with a WWF style, Russian accented warning from the largest guy, wearing a blood spattered ski mask to GVM's buddies. (Make sure there's a good view of him writhing in pain, blood and his own feces in the background) Take said video, post it on the Internet and mail a copy to Al Jazeera. After the second or third installment, I'll bet the introduction of new viruses and worms drops dramatically.

More Prize Winning...

Although a bit of a rehash, this one needs addressing. Lately, we have had a flood of incomplete "expedited" orders. Meaning, email and mail-in orders requesting next day and second day shipping; ones which we cannot fill. Then, within a day or two, we get the obligatory "where's my shit you incompetent pukes" niceties. Thus far, all have been due to customer oversight, which really makes for a bruised ego and a red face when Gina regains her composure and tells them why "us pukes" didn't send their turd box. For any orders, these tips are important, but if you need your stuff overnight, all of the ducks below must be in order, or else you're gonna be sad.

1. Make sure you know that you are ordering from ATF. It has become commonplace in the last couple of years for attention-span-challenged types to place orders or call screaming about an order problem...but the real problem is that they think they are calling WPG, SM, WWII Impressions, etc, etc. After 15 minutes of howling (it tends to be the rude, impatient types most often) we get it through their head that they've contacted the wrong company. A grunt and a click follow.

2. Make sure the item you need is in stock. Check the site. Most charts are up to date. To be certain, call!

3. It's still news to a few. We ship nothing until it's paid for. We don't do COD's, IOU's, checks, 90 days same as cash or payment plans. The French are most famous for the "ship zee stoof now und Iz will payz youz laters". Sorry. The turnip truck dropped us off a few years back and our concussions have healed.

5. Debit Cards: Many of these damned things have daily limits. Often $500. Find out otherwise it may decline despite you having $236,976.74 in your checking account.

6. Don't forget to give us your address. Yes, this happens not infrequently. Remember, we don't ship to PO Boxes.

7. A working telephone number helps in case there's a problem. If your card declines, and we have no way to contact you, we won't send you a letter.

8. If the order is handwritten, please make it legible. Meaning a normal english speaking human being can read the thing. We are not forensic detectives nor egyptologists. If we can't read it, it'll get trashed.

9. Monday is our busiest day. Sometimes we do not get all expedited orders out until Tuesday. If you get your order in before noon, you're probably OK, but after 2 or 3 it won't make it.

Thanks!

Quick Perspective: after several weeks of advertising original carbine slings, the "Carbine Web Ring" and friends has noticed our sculduggery and taken action.

What are we gonna do???
" Message from X: These are not original slings. But I'm sure you know that. What you may not know is that all the Carbine clubs and forums are telling everybody they are fakes. X"

Neglected to scroll down 2 more inches on the slings page:
" LETS CUT OUT THE BULL, ITS A FAKE, ORIGINAL M1 CARBINE SLINGS, REAL ONES SELL FOR $100 OR SO., LOOK AT THE WEAVE, LOOK AT THE SNAPS< I BOUGHT ONE OF THESE WHEN YOU WERE SELLING AT THE MID ATLANTIC AIR MUSEUM WW2 WEEKEND IN JUNE AT READING PA TO USE AS NOT MESS UP MY REAL ONE, I ALSO BOUGHT YOUR REPRO WW2 HBT SETS AS NOT TO MESS UP MY REAL WW2 HBTS. THEY ARE GOOD QUALITY. AT YOR SIGHT AT THE FRONT AT LEAST YOU LIST THEM HONEST AS REPROS."
Followed shortly by yet another revelation:
" O YES< I GET IT, A PLAY ON WORDS, REAL ATF CARBINE SLINGS, YES< THEY ARE REAL ATF CARBINE SLINGS, NOT WW2 ISSUE, HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID, DDHHAAAAAA. "

Dear X, esteemed forum and club members, and Mr.DDHHAAAAAA,

Jeepers! The forum?? Oh no!
This is why I hate dealing with original anything anymore. If it's not perfect, it's not good enough for "my collection". But if it's perfect or doesn't match the one in the book, it's a fake. Short of radio carbon dating, these are, in my best amateur opinion, original. (I know, the forum members surely know alot more about shuttle looms, mercerized cotton, manufacturing gear and uniforms, hardware and my sources than I ever will).
So what is it this time that the collectors deem to make these 60 years younger? No date? Incorrect patina on the tip? Wrong number of fibers in the ribbing? "Snaps don't blacklight" right?
The webbing is period.
The lift-the-dots are period.
I don't like the buckles and tips very much, but I have hundred of pounds of original, new in the box, WWII production US military hardware that we have accumulated over the years and some of it does indeed have that ugly gloss black finish.
These came from left over Nationalist Chinese stores. We bought all this old junk as "surplus". The price was commensurate with "surplus". So was the quantity. The other items in the same find were pistol belts, Thompson, carbine and .45 pouches which have all been "blessed" by the collecting minions. It makes no sense for someone to have tossed in a truckload of repro slings to sweeten the deal.
Were I trying to pimp out repros as authentic WWII, I would not use shiny black tips and buckles and I would be smart enough to have incorporated crispy maker marks and dates to make the club members happy. Trying to pass these off is akin to a car thief who risks jail by stealing '87 Ford Escorts when the same effort could net him BMW's. With 45 sewing machines and hundreds of pounds of real parts I could do a better job of making fakes and I would certainly spend my effort on something rarer and more profitable. Had I possessed more foresight, and been only partially dishonest, we could have changed out the tips and buckles (I have them with the "happier collector" dull phosphate finish) and smacked some marks and dates on them. But no, I'm just a run of the mill scoundrel whose bulb isn't the brightest who sells real stuff for about the same price as fakes.
For what it's worth, some of the carbine collectors who have seen these in person had mixed opinions at first (myself included), but all eventually decided that they were OK after some fondling, sniffing, looking through the bundles etc, etc.
And for the geniuses who remember that we have carried repro carbine slings (at least we called them repros...maybe they were original, but we were trying to see if you'd notice) those are quite different from these and we can provides pics of each to compare if necessary so you can see for your little selves. There are some imbeciles who might attempt such a switch, (advertise repros, then switch the description 2 years later) but we're not one of them.
Bottomline; I don't care what originals "normally" sell for. "Experts" have been emailing us claiming anywhere from $20-$100 is the norm. Obviously they know what they're talking about... I've priced these on the low side. Not because they're fake, but because we have lots of them and I'm in the business to sell things not accumulate them.
We already make hundreds of reproductions. That's 98% of our sales. We have no need to screw people. You can see by our feedback (Ebay) that lying and screwing everyone is the routine around here. You are entitled to your own opinions.

At long last, a five finger discounter has been nabbed. At the Iola show last weekend, it finally happened. No, it wasn't a lecharous memeber of the public, nor a local meth lab assitant, but (horrors!) a re-enactor. Now in the interest of "innocent until proven guilty", no names or units will be posted. Suffice to say it was a member of an axis unit in his early 20's who has a good impression. Apparently he re-enacts a cat burglar after dark.

Anyway, as reported by the plaintiff in the upcoming legal proceeding, said discounter entered his tent around 1 am and helped himself to two rifles. Unfortunately for Unteroffizier Stickiefingers, a member of the local constabulary (a real one, not a pretend type) was waiting for him as he wriggled out from underneath the side of the tent with his soon-to-be-removed treasures in hand. It seems he was observed low crawling into the tent by a pint sized block watch captain, who hailed the gendarme who happened to be strolling in the immediate area.

Doubly tragic for Herr Stickie, it was reported that he already has a felony (type unknown) from a past incident.
Wisconsin is a 3 strikes state.
Hope he only had one...cause the new one plus anymore than one is enough for an out.

When I started re-enacting, I too was a believer that "comrades" didn't steal, but that changed years ago. When I was about 16 and "Feldmarschall" Willard was put in charge of the HRS treasury and a guy who was hanging around in the LAH cleaned the unit's clock.
Lesson learned, "don't trust nobody" and lock your doors...er tent flaps.

Don't ask me how I found this crap. OK, his site used to be so awful as to be mildly entertaining, particularly to those of us with crass and tactless senses of humor. But this guy has lost his mind. His marbles were always a bit loose, but you could usually follow his logic, what there was of it.
In case you are unaware of Westboro Baptist, they are famous for their pretty much one track minded ministry of ranting about gays and gay issues. Apparently Ellen DeGeneres, Barney Frank, AIDS quilts, and "gender irrelevant" marriage are the harbingers of the apocalypse. If you disagree with Fred, you're a FAG. That's not so unusual. For centuries, people with contradictory opinions (or those who ate too much fruit from that little tree in the garden and kept asking questions) have been described as infidels, blasphemers, witches, "devil leaguers", or kindling of one sort or another. I suspect that Fred wanted to make his own way and stand out from the crowd a bit. Obnoxious, yes, but nothing incredible. Just another "attention getting device." He's been on numerous TV shows and can be a trip in that "holy shit I don't believe he did that" sort of way. He claims to have picketted 22,000 events in his career. The question "don't these people have jobs?" comes to mind...but that's not the issue.
Anyway, the guy has been what one might describe as "colorful" over the years, but this takes the cake. I have a sarcastic response for nearly any situation, but I'm utterly lost here. One can interpret/deduce/pervert the scriptures (of any religion) in countless ways. Even if the authors were trying to be specific, some dirtbag can find an exception or a rule to fit their own need or desire somewhere on one or more pages. That's what keeps it so entertaining. I thought Jim Bakker and Jim Jones stretched some lines to justify their water parks and kool aid picnics. But to picket the funerals of U.S. soldiers because some joker tossed a pipe bomb under your daughter's van ten years ago...? To claim divine retribution after all the crap one has stirred over the years? Even O.B.L. would probably say "WTF"?
Secondly, to stand around the funerals of Marines and soldiers with signs saying "Thank God for Dead Soldiers, IEDs, and Sept. 11th" mystifies me. It's unhealthy. Why are these loons still breathing? If they had done this at the funeral for a guy from my team...there would indeed be retribution. There would be no need to have Holy assistance. It could be taken care of sans divine intervention.

Warning! If you hold the alternative lifestyle dear, this guy's site will offend. I've summed up his activities and I am not advocating a visit.
If you're curious, here's the link: www.godhatesfags.com
Original huh?

Before ranting at us about this rant:
1. I'm not picking on anybody's religion. Sometimes I make a little jab, but this isn't one of them.
2. I'm not promoting this guy or his agenda. Personally, despite my jokes and some peoples' opinions regarding my own attitudes/ preferences I don't care who or what you love. So long as it's consensual. If it's really freaky or stupid, I may use it in a rant (plushies, furries, action dolls) but I damn no one for their choice of "partner". I pick on everyone more or less equally.
3. I am not advocating any illegal or harmful action against anyone. I'm simply expressing my surprise that nothing bad has befallen these....people.
4. Please don't email us scripture to explain Fred Phelp's point. I am familiar with it, have a Bible and know that part of it. The authors weren't too hot on man-love. I live in the Bible Belt. OK? This is not about salvation or religion. It's about really stretching the scripture to one's own need to justify something. It's that "something" that baffles me.
4. Perhaps I'm shocked that I have found something that even I find completely tasteless and inexcusable. In most cases, I can imagine where a person is coming from and understand their beef and their logic even if I disagree with it or think they're insane. Even psychotic people often have a method to their madness. But this....WTF? For once, there is no excuse.
Language and religion comment: A few people, some of them my close friends, fuss about my occasional use of "naughty" words. Especially the churchgoers. But ponder me this. To "take the Lord's name in vain" consists of half a dozen common expressions. Only one truly fits the bill. We'll refer to it as "Gd." However, the other words that are so offensive to the pious don't fit the definition. They are simply words for (hopefully) everyday activities or body parts. These words are considered, by cultural standards, rude, inappropriate, and sometimes offensive, but they are not "curses". To curse one would need to use "damn" or "curse" and perhaps invoke the name of some divinity to give the spell some weight. So before squalling at me for using synonyms of poop, sex, buttock, phallus, rectum and donkey or combinations thereof (tinyphalluswhohumpsbugs) think about it. This is off topic, but it just occurred to me, so I wanted to share my mental outburst.

WWPW
With rare exceptions I stay away from religion on the rants. Occasionally, I do discern that some things are indeed best left alone. But I had to borrow and modify one of the catchy acronyms developed by the evangelical marketing whizzes. So I'm giving credit here. OK? I've decided to modify "WWJD" to "WWPW". Give you one guess.
"What Would Paratroopers Wear"
Cute huh? Yes, this is another pick at our cash cow rant. It simply drives me nuts. Hey, I have an honest business concept for somebody. Let's call it "Bob's Movie Gear". 506 Currahhee Street. Anywhere USA. Bob could make a fortune by reproducing airborne movie gear. Think of it. You don't have to spend thousands on original W.W.II paratrooper uniforms to copy. All you need is a DVD player and $50 for a BOB box set! Then, you get one of them nifty printers and send pics to the guys in Pakistan, Mexico or China and have them make you "Bob Wear"! I'm sure they can work from pics or maybe you could buy them a DVD too. Anyway, develop complete outfits for every character in all the cool army flicks. Think of it...your customers could be "Captain Miller" on Monday, "Major Winters" on Tuesday, "Col Sink" Wednesday, "Crapgame" Thursday and "Lt. Triebig" for the bash at the Blue Oyster Club on Friday night!
Alas, we're too busy trying to reproduce the gear worn in the actual War. Remember, W.W.II? It wasn't a Dreamworks or Warner Brothers production. What a revelation...
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Paratrooping re-enactors.
(Just so genuine paratroopers don't get offended.)
The latest rantable numbskullery.
"I need my uniform to be the same color as the one in episode 4 of Band of Brothers. Yours look greener/ browner/ pinker/ etc, etc."
Not only is the new generation of re-enactors far less informed than previous ones, they seem challenged when it comes to common sense and basic reasoning of any kind. Some of them act as though an angel disguised as a golden salamander appeared at their bed and sent them on a divine mission...and we have their treasure buried in the warehouse. (Bad Rollin. Bad...shut up...I'm on a roll...) Unfortunately, the divine amphibian didn't inject them with any knowledge of what a paratrooper is, was, does or wears; only that being one is really-super-awesome-cool and they're in the movies. Despite reams universally accepted historical documents, they are determined to write their own Airborne Bible based not on historical facts, but rather a vision...er film. When we utter anything that doesn't fit their apparition/ fantasy, they get very pissy and indignant. We're trying our best to readjust our Weltanschaung remembering that the definition of "authentic" has been amended from "like an original" to "like the one on DVD". Please be patient. It will take time to reprogram our minds to this new way of thinking. Hopefully, we'll be able to make the transition from WWII Re-enacting to the new religion of Mini-Series Re-enacting smoothly and rapidly. Please pardon any inconveniences our inexperience creates.
Anyway, the answer to the query of the week is...the outifts in the movies aren't in their natural (new) color. The are dirty; both real dirt and artificially aged. No, I don't have the formula. If you want to look like a real soldier, or an actor in a war flick, you'll have to get dirty. Sorry. Next...

Shipping Charges
I must apologize to the dirty laundry addicts, this isn't a rant, it's an explanation. For the last month, we experimented with a weight based system for determining shipping charges. I thought it would be simpler, more fair and cheaper in many cases. However, it's a flop. We had a few hard core types (as usual) insist that 5 pairs of boots couldn't weigh more than 9 pounds or that a smock would indeed fit into a padded envelope. However, the bottomline was that we lost just over $2,200 over 4 weeks in the ordeal. Normally, we break about even. Yes, I know, UPS charges by weight and zone (basically zip code) but since we don't have an automated inventory/ ordering system, much less one that ties into their computer, we have no efficient way to compute actual cost. Additionally, we spend about $1,000 per month on boxes. They average out to about 80 cents each. No, Genius, we're not going to stake out Walmart's dumpster for free boxes. We'd have to fight the old guy with the beat up F150 who earns his living collecting "recyclables". I spent all weekend snooping other companies sites looking for ideas. US Cavalry, Brigade QM, J.Crew, Sportsman's Guide and numerous other "big dogs" have apparently discovered the same thing. They all use rate charts based on the cost of the order. LL Bean is the only one of them all who appears to subsidize (eat) much of what their orders must cost to ship. However, due to their enormous volume, the Post and UPS give them some discount, but how much is hard to say. All I can offer are a few suggestions:
1. Plan ahead. Just a little. Most of you characters know when the events are. Check your gear (like a good trooper) the week before and see if you're missing anything. This can save you from paying overnight shipping for a damned belt buckle. Likewise, we know some people simply have money to burn, but there are better ways to turn Franklins into ashes than demanding we Next Day Air 12 tunic buttons. On a Monday. Since when are there events on Tuesday???
Try a titty bar or a casino....jeeez.
2. Take 10 minutes extra and double check your order. Make sure you have everything you need. We have many, many people want to "add on" to their order...that we shipped the day before. We're fast. Sometimes too fast. Like teenage boys...
3. Quit dribbling. We have a crew of guys who order $20 worth of stuff each week. Why not wait and order $80 per month? It'd save $20-30 in shipping! If you're the one who splits $20 orders between 3 credit cards (I'm not shittin') then you have other problems at hand. It's OK.
And just to brighten your weekend a bit more....
They're yammering about $3.50 per gallon gas prices this summer.

For the last damned time:
Do Not
call us to ask about your orders with other vendors!
Although it's usually the same three panic stricken individuals, this goes for everybody.
Once again, let's review the painfully obvious facts that all but a few "special needs" types fail to comprehend without remedial instruction.

1. Since when did the principle of calling the particular company with which you are doing business (rather than another one down the street) in order to check on your business (with them) fall off of the list of common sense, needn't be explained concepts? About 6 months ago. What do you meatheads think we have? A crystal ball or interlocking computer network that allows us to track the status of your orders with all militaria companies worldwide? Sorry, we had to sell the system in order to stave off impending bankruptcy. Ever since Dragon started making uniforms in 1.5/1 scale, we can hardly pay our bills....
2. Just because a website is down, email isn't answered as quickly as you wish or someone didn't pay their phone bill doesn't mean they've robbed you. I know of only 3 militaria companies (out of nearly 100) that went out of business in the last 10 years. (One actually went bankrupt and the other screwed so many people I think the jerk simply feared for his life.) In 99.9% of cases when you are having trouble reaching someone, the reason has nothing to do with larceny or fraud.
3. Although we have a full time order and shipping staff, we are the exception, not the rule in this business. Please realize, that most of our competitors are family run, home based businesses. Courtesy calls, email verifications, 24 hour complaint hotlines and online tracking of your helmet restoration are unlikely. Shocking and sad I know, but some people just aren't yet in the 21st century. When there are only one or two people to make stuff, take your calls, do shows and battles, run errands and ship orders it often happens that one must turn off the phone for awhile in order to get caught up. Email can take several days or a week to answer. This applies triple for the guys who do "custom orders" as their clients demand much more phone time for consultation and frequent alterations of their orders.

Review: If you have a question about an order with a vendor other than us, At the Front, I'm terribly sorry to inform you that we do not have the information you are looking for. Additionally, I am further pained beyond words to say that we do not have a staff properly qualified to counsel you and rebuild your battered sense of self esteem resulting from other vendors' failure to contact you in the time frame that suits your fancy. If you still think that we're going to somehow a wave magic wand and make your order from one of our competitors appear on your doorstep, then you are a blithering idiot. Thank you.

World's Biggest Nitwits

Some guys don't even rate the name "crook" because they're too damned stupid to accomplish the tasks necessary to earn the title. Here's some clues and advice to the budding thieves and con artists that cross our path.
1. We know some other vendor's products look kinda similar to our own, but we do know the difference. Just because they've refused to take the item back and give you money doesn't mean that we're dumb enough to mistake it for our own and give you green. Make an effort..at least try to make up a fake receipt!
2. I know, we're probably slitting our own throats here, but nobody gets free samples. No, not even Acme War Films LTD. Yes, I know Dreamworks and Warner Brothers had to start somewhere, but we're not in the business of subsidizing every "independent" film company (4 re-enactors who are shareholders in the Sony Camcorder. That they borrowed from their Mom...). Again, the bruises on our buttocks (from falling off the turnip truck) are largely healed. Try harder Buckwheat.
3. Rollin doesn't talk to anybody. I'm too stuck up and pre-occupied with my new website (www.mytrailerpark.com) to be bothered with the mortals populating the militaria world. Telling the people here that "Rolands personally says I kood have one" is the best way to set off the bullshit alarm. Find a new one....that's not even my name.
4. Once you claim that something was left out of your order (meaning you want a freebie), be careful. Yes, we do screw up a few orders, but we can usually see the problem when we look at the invoice as to why it was packed incorrectly (or not at all.). When a "mispack" looks fishy, we flag your future orders and double or triple check them. Claiming that we left the same 2 patches out of 4 consecutive orders is not smart. Especially when they are patches that we've never offered!
5. This should go without saying but... It is advisable to make sure that the item you return to us...really came from us. If you buy a shirt from WPG...return it to WPG. Not us. Just a hint.
6. We mark our defects. The "seconds" and "defects" that we sell at shows are marked as such. We also do not give receipts with them. It may appear brilliant to send one back and demand an exchange hoping to get a first quality one for free...but you won't have a receipt and we know how they are marked. Then we'll just cut you off.
7. Olympic Contender: "I bowt these boots 5 yeers ago. They need new souls. I called Pete and explained to him how I's needs reel hikorie (not berch or pine) wood peggs, in even numbers, with 1942 or 43 dated hobbnails in a diemond pattern, and jenuine gortexas heels held on by platnum nales. He lisened for darned near 2 ours to me and then says that it caint be dun. I expect a refund and a new pair of boots for my suffering."
Your suffering? What about Pete's??? Criminal intent is not even in the offing. The words are too big and too hard to spell....

The majority of these incidents are funny and pathetic. But most are annoying simply due to the fact that somebody thinks we're as stupid as they are and expects us to fall for it. When someone actually makes an intelligent attempt at buggering us, we'll give you credit for effort. We'll still cut you off, but we won't put you on the site for everyone on the internet to laugh at. For you intellectually challenged types, we suggest buying a server and doing bulk mail (spam). It might be more lucrative. You'll get to meet some people with similar IQ's. Perhaps you'll make some new friends.

No, we didn't forget to update our website.
We simply have no news concerning the item you are dying for.

Here we go.
Again.
"I want this but I don't see it on your site " = you messed up/forgot/have it hidden somewhere/went out of business/don't care about your customers/ etc ad nauseum.
Here's the web primer again.
A webpage is one file. A website is a collection of webpages linked together. Our website is made up of about 260 webpages. Each webpage is an individual file. We update the website daily...often 10 or 12 times. Sometimes we miss something, but not often. There are many companies who rarely update their websites. We aren't one of them. However, updating the website, consists of updating the "new" page and then the page relevant to the item(s) that have been restocked, sold out, changed color, been recalled, crucified, broiled, excommunicated, disemboweled, or impregnated. The date counter will only change on the particular page or pages that were modified. Not all 260.
For example; We finish some US HBT uniforms. Then we will go to the "us_uni_hbt.htm" page, change the availability chart and upload it. This does no good for Ralph, who is waiting on the edge of his seat for Japanese paratrooper boots to come in. He refreshes the Japanese uniform page thrice daily. Guess what? No change. Did we fail to update the website? No. We didn't update the webpage he wants us to. Why on God's green earth not? Because we have no news concerning Jap Para footies. Although I am more regretful than a puppy sitting in a pool of alcohol shittin' razor blades, we don't have time to simply resave all 260 pages daily so that the date counters will stay current and keep Ralph's stress level manageable. There are treatment centers for stress management, but we aren't one of them.
You can call and ask questions. But the trend of the retreads of late is to notice that some obscure page on our site hasn't been updated in 9 months and then go to their favorite chat line and ask whether or not we've gone under and incite a panic. Or...to call us and go round and round trying to understand what has been typed in the above paragraphs. In other words, why the hell don't we have what they want. Now.
If you yo-yos only knew what this hobby was like in 1985...or 1995. This is heaven. Appreciate it.

1. Cotton shrinks when you wash it. We try to bullhorn this fact all over the site and to everyone when they buy a uniform, but we miss a few.
2. Due to N.B. #1, we make our cotton uniforms bigger to account for the shrinkage. Of course, a fair number of "N.B. Challenged" (hereafter "NBC"'s) types complain about the "gibbon" suits (long arm joke) Wait until they wash most any of the other repro uniforms out there. Gibbons suits are better than Dachshund suits!
3. Cotton eventually fades. Originals do too. So does everything cotton you buy at Banana Republic. It's pyshics and chemistry. Quit arguing. Get a psychic to dial up Newton's ghost to see about an amendment for your uniform.
4. Shipping isn't free. UPS trucks run on diesel fuel, not a magic carpet. You're welcome to drive here to pick up your order....
5. Volume discount means that you need to purchase a certain quantity. Not desire a certain quantity...with a free sample in your size first. We may be in Kentucky, and Ma may have taught us everything, but even she wouldn't have expected us to fall for that one.
6. Dear NBC's: This is ATF. If you have an order pending or a problem with an order you placed with LB, SM, Grigsby, IMA, SARCO, L.L.Bean, Barely Legal Magazine, Dixie Feed and Seed, or Grenadier Despot you will need to ask them about it. We can't help you.
7. If you mail us a check, you'll get it back. We don't take checks. Too many bounce. That's what the big red "no checks" wording on the ordering page is about.
8. We ship after we receive payment. Just because you put a money order in an envelope and gave it to Mr. Postman today, does not mean that you'll have your order tomorrow. Also, instead of calling us 3 times per day, starting with the day Mr. Postman took it, to ask "got my order yet???", try certified mail or UPS. Then you'll know how long it will take to get to us. First class has taken as long as 2 weeks to reach us. From Ohio.
9. We are here to make and ship your stuff. Not to counsel you on your divorce, help you find your cat, reassure you that you will be awarded the War Merit Cross at the next event, nor to explain why you haven't gotten your membership card from WWII Inc yet. We no longer have re-enactors as sales people. Why? Seems logical. Took my stupid ass 5 years to figure out that it simply turns my business into re-enactor toll free panzer hero chat central. Your orders then take 2 weeks to ship which leads to squalling. Squalling annoys the piss out of me. So in the interest of peace, quiet and efficiency, our people know what we have, when we can get it to you and little else. For historical reference, I try to put the basics on the site in the item description. For more detail, you need to try elsewhere. We don't have the time or resources to be a toll free text book.
10. Last but not least. We don't know what size you are. Phone lines have come a long way in the last 100 years, but they still do not allow us to reach through the receiver and wrap a tape measure around your pooper. If you are completely confused as to your dimensions, and gremlins have maliciously eaten all the size tags from your clothing, your best bet is to journey to the local Department store (or Walmart, Target) etc and ask for help. Get your neck, chest, waist and inseam (don't forget to write it down) and then call us. Seems the new rage is to get pissy on the phone when our ignorance of what size you wear manifests itself. There's no need to be an idiot.

The deluge has begun. We're drowning in returned M43 Field Jackets. Whats' wrong with them? Buttons fell off? Wrong color? Sleeves on backwards? Hardly. There's no problem with the jackets. The problem is with the meatheads who don't pay attention to the super-simple sizing instructions. We go through this constantly, but in the last 6 months, the "what size do I wear/ you guys are stupid-I'll show you how smart I am" nonsense is reaching endemic proportions.
What the Hell is wrong with you people??? Can you not read English?
Nine out of ten, we get an XL back to exchange for a Large or a Medium. Dr. Buckwheat figures that we're too ignorant to know how his Paratrooping self is going to wear his screamin' eagle coat and he can't fathom the possibility that we might be capable of realizing that field jackets need to be big so he can wear stuff underneath. Just because we're in Kentucky and have family trees with fewer branches than most don't mean we can't size a damned jacket. Anyway, Dr.B then disregards the sizing charts, recommendations and rants. Our hero-to-be proceeds to order a jacket designed for a 220 pound dude with 48 inch taters and then calls to scream bloody mary and holy cow when the thing swamps his 140 pound 40 inch breasted self. What did you expect Nitwit? Spandex?
Yup. You sure showed us a thing or two! Golly gee whizz mister...

Stated a bit more clearly, but still tactlessly:
1. We know how to size our junk. Follow our instructions, not your intuition, and 98% of the time you'll be fine. It'll fit.
2. All of our cotton uniforms are oversized to allow for shrinkage and the wearing of undergarments. We don't make hobbit clothing.
3. If you have absolutely no idea what size you wear, we can't help you. This is apparently quite a shock to some guys, but we are unable to examine you through the phone line and our Miss Cleo hotline has been having technical difficulties since her conviction. We recommend that you ask your mom, research your attire (look at the little tags in your clothes), or go to the men's clothing department at Dillards, wave your arms and cry "help."

You may have noticed from the rants, that the foolishness comes in waves. The trends are consistent yet finite. We rarely have a single, isolated grand prize winning idiot request of outstanding quality. It's usually the same request, demand or tizzy-fit from a dozen or more individual meat heads over the span of a couple of weeks. Like the "pay my customs duties" bullshit.
Week one: "I'm vaiting vor mees refunds. Le post haz charged me $21 taxes."
Week Two (after tactic #1 one meets with no success): "Upon examination wiz le microscope, youz prodooct hazz a flaws. I require $30 dizcount."
Week Three (Still no luck with angles 1 and 2): "If you not satisfy meez, zen I weel inform all of my comradz of yous bad beezness policies."

What's intriguing is that this isn't just from one bonehead. There are at least 4 pulling the same crap at the same time. I realize that communication is pretty quick nowadays, but it seems incredible that 4 yo-yos from 4 different countries would decide to try the same crap at the same time. People have fussed about their customs duties for years, but until about 6 weeks ago, no one threatened to "out" us because we wouldn't pay their country's duties. Is this a foreign concept to Frenchmen who were born in 1972 or what?

I realize that the WWII re-enactor lists may enable some of these things. Like this week's silly query du jour:
"How do your M43 Field Jackets compare to Norwegian jackets?"
WTF?? We copied an original WWII coat. They look like a WWII US jacket...don't give a shit about the Norweigian ones (or Swedish or Thai, etc, etc). Three calls on that yesterday.
Some other trendy questions competing for the meathead of the year award:
"I sent Grigsby my helmet 3 weeks ago. Would you know when he's going to ship it to me?"
Sure, I have a degree from Miss Cleo...
"What is the historical significance of the little green lines in German camo?"
The Germans liked grass...?
"I'm 5'8" and wear a 9 shoe. What is my hat size?"
Ask your algebra teacher...
"Your US helmets are much too small. I need a larger size."
( When we explain that the liners adjust we are cussed and called liars.)
"Which khaki are your US HBT's?"
Burgundy. With a hint of huckleberry....

The beef here is this. Although there are many legitimate questions about lots of things, it's amazing how many really silly ideas occur to people. If they are posted on a message board somewhere, in public, why is it that the 3 people on the globe who are willing to believe these wacko concepts always call us.
Sometimes it's entertaining, but often it simply wears you out.